an attentive lover's gaze...

Aaahhh... autumn! It's like the world expands once a year, giving everyone a little more room to stretch out and become more themselves. I wear autumn like a favorite oversized sweatshirt; it wraps around me and it's comfortable and familiar, like coming home. I stretch out in it, lounge in it, grow into it. Or I wear it like the glow caused by an attentive lover's gaze, basking in it. It's like a lover's embrace; I abandon myself to it but yet find more of myself in it.

I read once that in autumn the trees blush in reaction to their Creator's adoration. And I would say I know how they feel. It's during this time of year when I feel most beautiful and most alive. When I'm out on a crisp sunny fall day and the sunlight hits me it's as if God himself, or the light of his love and pursuit of me, is shining down on me, illuminating only my very best and most beautiful parts - all my colored leaves. And then in a gesture of gratitude I offer all those parts back to him so he can make something even more extravagant out of them. I see myself the way God sees me and I know I am absolutely radiant.

I feel seen, truly noticed, in these months right before the coldest part of the year. I was out hiking a couple days ago and was wearing the glow on my cheeks when a handsome man passed me. He didn't just look at me; he saw me. And yes, there's a difference. He noticed my beauty. I could tell by the way he looked at me (and no, it wasn't a creepy guy leering at me either). It was affirmation. It was revealing something to me that I had been pondering on every autumn for years: What is it about this time of year that makes me feel so different? God spoke to me in that one look. I wasn't imagining it; even his daughter asked, "What was that look about?" I didn't hear his response partly because I didn't need to, partly because he passed me going the other direction, and partly because I was in conversation with God, thanking him for shedding light on me and teaching me something about myself that had long been a mystery. I notice you and, from where I sit and in this light, I cannot take my eyes away from you. The trees in their full autumn splendor do not compare to your glory.

I felt like Moses, I wanted to take off my shoes. But instead I took off my sweatshirt to let a little more of that light and truth get in.