entitlement...

One of the things I have been struggling with lately is entitlement, feeling like I am entitled to things that others have or just that I am entitled to things period. For example, this year at graduation the valedictorian received a plaque and I caught myself thinking, I didn't get a plaque last year and I got a 4.0. He didn't even get a 4.0 and he got a plaque? Why didn't I get one? It's ugly and it's a part of me that I despise, like a cancer that I want cut out of me. I don't know why I feel this way, nor do I feel at all comfortable with it. And since I am being honest here, it's not really only a recent thing. It's been at the back of my mind and in the darkest caves of my heart for a while now.

I know that I am not entitled to anything, no one owes me anything. So why do I feel that way? And better yet, how do I stop feeling that way? Am I alone in this?

I feel as though I have had so many struggles and that I have endured about as many growing pains as I can take and I wonder to myself, What it would be like to just be normal? Normal like everyone else seems to be? It's not fair. And there I go with the entitlement thing again, like I am entitled to not struggle with things ever again. It's scary to me because to not struggle would be to stop growing and to stop growing, to me, is death or hell.

All of these things come up for me and they always leave me feeling unlovable, kind of like a monster. Now this, I know, is the devil's lies creating a stronghold in my life. Get thee away from me, Satan.

My dad has introduced me to a new method of prayer called centering prayer. It's communion with the Holy Spirit really. It makes prayer without ceasing come easier and being in the presence of God more constant and the fruits of the Spirit more evident and abundant. I have only tried it once and felt disappointed, like I did something wrong. But that was before I read about it instead of just following my dad's instruction. I am hoping that this form of prayer will cleanse me and that God's presence would be made real to me over time and that I will be freed from feelings of entitlement and feelings of being unlovable.

I have done a form of this type of prayer before, Lectio Divina, and have always enjoyed it and gotten much out of it. But I don't do it as often as I'd like. I don't pray as often as I'd like period. I am finding out that I am, in some ways, afraid of God and afraid of myself, of making a mistake while I pray. I have to do it just right, say just the right words, or God will ignore me, laugh at me, or strike me down or something. And if my mind wanders during prayer I think to myself, I must be a bad Christian. I can't even focus on praying without my mind wandering all over the place. Again, this, I know, is the devil's handiwork.

Satan cannot be present where God is present. I am really believing, present active participle believing, that God will continue to do a good work in me and that through these prayers I can come into a sweeter relationship with Christ. In some ways I worry that I have replaced a relationship with him with knowledge about him the last two years. I have learned so much in classes but have I learned too much? I am sure that it all isn't as bad as I make it out to be but it's a dangerous and risky thing to profess to be a Christian, to really knowing him, when really I know more about him than I know him personally. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else besides me, if anyone else is reading this, but I suppose the only one it really matters to is me. And God.

I have often felt, thought, and experienced that when I go through struggles like this it's usually right before God uses me or does a great work in me. There's so much more to this story than what I can currently see. Again, I wonder what sort of tale I have fallen into.