dog spelled backwards is ...

She offers her head for me to pat and she leans into it craving my attention and affection. When we are out walking, she sometimes will run ahead so that I can no longer see her, but realizing this she will always come bounding back until I catch up to her, or she'll run back to me as if to check in, to make sure that she's still okay. Once she has my approval or knows that she is still safe, she will walk with me a bit before running off again. She loves me with every part of her and when a storm comes or if she is scared she will crawl into my lap where she knows I will protect her and keep her from harm. I will put my arms around her and cradle her in my love for as long as she needs me to. She will tremble there until the storm has passed or until she knows that her world is safe again. When she has done something wrong she always comes to me with her head hung low. Once I have disciplined her and told her again how much I love her and how precious she is to me, she knows all is right again and she returns to being joyful. She is obedient, always so willing and eager to please me. I can see that she sometimes gets frustrated because she doesn't understand exactly what it is that I want. But together we work on it and eventually she learns. The more I love on her and the more she receives that love the more it shows in how she walks and carries herself, how she behaves, how she plays, the more evident it is in all areas of her life.

She comes to me enthusiastically and offers her love freely, without condition. It is sweet and pure and joyful. When I am upset or frustrated, she is patient and sits with me while I calm down and think things through. When I am sad, she comforts me and listens and is never judging nor condemning. She still loves me even when I am not able to walk with her or play with her. If I forget to feed her, she forgives me readily and loves me anyway. When I do not acknowledge her or pay attention to her she sits patiently and waits while I go about my business before returning to her again. And if I take too long, she always does something to get my attention and to make sure I know that she is still there asking me to love her and seems to promise that if only I would, oh the things she wants to show me! She is always sweet and gentle in spirit. She is playful and funny and has a sense of humor like no other. Her love for me is not conditional on anything I do. She is always ready with her love for me, it is always available.

(The first paragraph portrays Sophie, my 3 year old boxer, as analagous to me or us as humans, and myself as God. The second paragraph portrays Sophie as analagous to God and myself as human or humanity.)

I have learned so much through her: about me, about God, about my relationship with God. She has brought so much joy to my life in the last 8 months or so since I rescued her. I cannot imagine life without her, much the same way I cannot imagine life without God.

and ... we're back ...

I bought a laptop a couple of days ago. And you know what that means ... I can start writing and updating again. I have missed it so much. It's like therapy for me. So if anyone is still reading this ... stay tuned. Hope to have at least one update this week.

recommendations ...

Here a couple of articles that I am drawing truth from. Thought I'd pass them along to anyone reading this.

Lent and Fasting from the Voice in Your Head: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/features-reviews/god/16428-lent-and-fasting-from-the-voice-in-your-head

Regaining Passion for Your Job: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/features-reviews/life/16411-regaining-passion-for-your-job

hard times come again no more ...

Since I last posted I have:

• Decided to move, found a new place, and informed my roommate of said decision.
• Lost my job.
• Had car trouble.
• Been treated to numerous meals by amazing friends!
• Congratulated a friend on his recent engagement, though it was kind of a blow.
• Hosted a friend/"little brother" I haven't seen for almost 3 years.
• Had a slight, but scary, stalker problem and had to get police involved. Yikes!
• Had 5 interviews but landed a job without interviewing for it at all ... I'm working, at least temporarily if not longer, for a friend (Mark Mansingh) who started his own business recently and had to make some drastic staffing changes last week. We'll see how it works out.
• Had numerous discussions with various people regarding my seeming inability to receive the full extent of God's love for me.
• Thought about, even before yesterday's sermon, the name I've carried and the name that God wants me to have.
• Had a run-in with a nail and my foot (and it's been over 10 years since I've had a tetanus shot). I know, I know ... Spare me the lectures. All seems to be fine; I'll get a shot soon.
• Cursed this long blasted winter that has it's nails dug in deep.
• Had major disciplinary issues with my dog: chewing carpet, peeing and pooing where she's not supposed to, incessant whining, etc ...
• Moved.
• Started a job for which I do not have appropriate "super classy ... look like a million bucks" clothing. We'll see how that plays out.
• Decided I really want to get a Nissan Versa.
• Not updated my blog in forever and missed it. I would like to get a laptop sometime soon. Again, we'll see how that plays out.

being born ...

It's a magnificent day, a moment of surrender on the horizon. It's time to get on your boots, breathe in the air, white as snow in the cedars of Lebanon.

that just happened ...

Last night I went to The Gathering (a Sunday night ministry at my church, primarily for college and post-college age). I have attended on a regular basis for years, minus a couple years when I was in Alaska, but don't really know many people. I have found it rather difficult to break into in terms of community building, etc ... Anyhow, so last night I went and was waiting for my friend to show up. I was seated on some benches outside the auditorium. After a few minutes this guy came over and sat at the other end of the bench. A couple minutes later he scooted closer to me. And then he scooted closer again. We struck up a conversation and I eventually asked, "So what's your name?" He said, "I'm ______." And I said, "Hi, I'm Christina. Nice to meet you." And we continued talking a bit. I was right in the middle of a sentence when he casually turned his head to glance at me and then got up and sauntered off. Yeah. Apparently, I'm THAT intriguing that people just can't handle it so they leave, mid-conversation. Go me!

Still wanting to write. I haven't forgotten. It's hard to find time to get to a computer. But I will post more as soon as I can. Maybe this week?

itch and scratch ...

I am getting an itch to write again. I'm hoping for an opportunity to scratch it very soon. I have lots of ideas.

gratitude ...

I've sorta made it a tradition here at like the seasons this time of year to recap the things for which I am most grateful. Some things on this list will be repeats from years past but that's just because my gratitude for them never seems to run dry. Here it is, in no particular order ...

• Seasons, both literal and metaphorical.
• A 2 year old reverse brindle boxer named Sophie.
• Light and truth.
• Beautiful vulnerability and transparency.
• Sabbath.
• Stories.
• Shelter in the form of a house that I share with my dog, my roommate and her 2 cats.
• Little, seemingly insignificant moments that later you look back on and realize they had a bigger impact on your life than you would have thought.
• The way color spills across earth and sky early in the day and late in the evening.
• Redemption, both the word (such a beautiful word) and its meaning.
• That I believe in a God who is infinitely bigger and richer than any economic crisis and that my future is in his very capable hands, and not the hands of any finite, fallible human.
• Language.
• Forgiveness, mercy and grace.
• Hammocks.
• Perfect autumn days when you not only see the reds and oranges and golds and browns but you feel the colors of autumn inside you.
• The definition of music: an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color.
• Gorgeous lyrics.
• Flintstones vitamins (yes, I take one a day).
• W. B. Yeats and Henry David Thoreau.
• Annie Dillard, Anne Lamott and Donald Miller.
• Frederick Buechner, C.S. Lewis and A. W. Tozer.
• Contented sighs.
• Gretchen, Audra, Karen, Molly - my small group - and for God placing them in my path.
• The courage to ask for what I want, even when the result isn't what I hoped it would be.
• Provision and protection.
• Love. Simple. Pure. Unabashed.
• Employment.
• Kept promises and that my faith is in a God who always keeps his promises, without fail.
• Landscapes, both of the earth and of the heart.
• The beaty of this sudden realization of how similar the words earth and heart are in spelling and in meaning: both contain soil and with the right light and nourishment, both can produce lush gardens or remain barren.
• Metaphors, grammar, and words.
• Books.
• Meals shared with loved ones.
• True intimacy.
• Gatherings, planned and impromptu.
• Relationships of all kinds.
• The ability to share in and witness each other's lives.
• The fluttery feeling of new love.
• Justice.
• Knowledge, the capacity to expand my awareness through learning.
• Church, the way it was meant to be, as originally described in Acts. Not the building, but the people, the concept, the verb of "being the church."
• The beauty of simplicity.
• Long drives in the country on blue-sky days.
• The world's oldest museum and art gallery: Nature.
• How lavishly I am loved by an incredibly indulgent God.
• Leadership and authority and learning what it looks like to submit the way God intended.
• Christmas: in it's pure form, not the commercialized greed-fest it is today.
• Healing.
• Little bits of wisdom like: Go forward into your past, with your present, so that you can move into the future.
• Missing people, because it means you have people to miss.

I know I could add to this list and sit here for hours, or forever, thinking of things for which I am grateful. But alas, I have other things to do and other people to see. And I am thankful for that as well. Blessings and shalom to you this holiday season!

what we want ...

a friend of mine, jon, emailed this to a while ago and i love it. thought i'd post it here.

what we want
is never simple.
we move among the things
we thought we wanted:
a face, a room, an open book
and these things bear our names
—now they want us.
but what we want appears
in dreams, wearing disguises.
we fall past, holding out our arms
and in the morning our arms ache.
we don't remember the dream,
but the dream remembers us.
it is there all day
as an animal is there
under the table,
as the stars are there
even in full sun.

by linda pastan

any thoughts?

seasons ...

I am in a strange season right now. Much like the physical season we're in, this is a season of waiting, of shedding some proverbial leaves until I feel bare and ugly, of being quiet and looking inward. It also seems to be a lonely season for me and one with equal parts beauty and brokenness.

I can sense that I'm getting to the point at which the one thing I have so desperately held on to, the thing I have refused to let go of and let God handle, is not really mine to control. And it never really was. I have clung to it knowing that I could do a much better job with it than he could. The truth is, since I'm being completely candid here, I haven't done a better job with it, far from it. But it just hurts too much to give it up and trust someone else with it, especially someone I can't touch or physically see. I know, though, that the only thing left for me to do is to do just that. I don't know how to do it and the thought of it scares me. I don't know what it will look like but I'm also a little excited and can already feel some sense of relief and freedom in it.

What it comes down to is this (and I know this won't come as a shock to most of you as I've posted about it before in maybe not so many words): I have such an ache inside to be part of a marriage, to be a witness to someone else's life, and for someone to be a witness to mine, to share together all that it has to offer - the joys and heartaches, the mountaintops and valleys - and truly be together in every sense of the word. I want someone to fight with and make up with, someone who is willing to call out the areas of my life that need some light shed on them and then challenge me to grow in those areas, someone I can grow old with but still be young and childish with at the same time. I want to be able to reach out for someone's hand and know that someone will take it, someone who is more excited when I come home at night than my beloved boxer Sophie. I want in-laws to argue with. I want someone who will pray for me and cherish me. Someone who will CHOOSE me. God should be his first priority but I want to work toward being someone's second. This year I've had several attempts at finding that someone and so far all of them have failed. One of them is someone I work with and I, consequently, get the joy of seeing that person on a daily basis.

This has become such a huge part of my life lately it seems. I've had several friends / acquaintances in the last few weeks tell me they are engaged or having a baby. I am, no doubt, thrilled for them and would never ever wish them anything but happiness in their new chapters. But bubbling there just barely under the surface is this ugly part of me that aches and yearns for the day when I will call a friend and say, "Guess what? I'm getting married!" and have her scream her head off with excitement the way I do when I get a phone call like that.

But there's a dilemma even in that. Over the weekend I was doing lots of thinking. It came to the point where I was I actually trying to think of who I would call if I really truly needed someone (if my father died, or something equally tragic). And I honestly didn't have an answer. I don't know who that would be. It is true that I have siblings, 2 sisters, but don't really feel that I have that type of relationship with either of them, especially with one of them. The thought of not having someone to call hurts in parts of me that I hadn't been aware even existed. It wasn't always like that and perhaps that's why it hurts so much now. My best friend of 15 years and I recently had somewhat of a falling out that has left me deeply hurt, wounded and vacant. Over the last few years I have increasingly felt that our friendship was coming to an end and that it was actually somewhat of an abusive relationship on her part: self-seeking, self-serving, manipulative, and draining for me. This last encounter / disagreement with her really forced me to evaluate that friendship and, while I do forgive her, decide that I can no longer be her friend.

I do have several more "surface level" friends that I would like to go deeper with and I am in the process of evaluating those more too and deciding which ones I'd like to invest more in and take to a deeper level and which I can afford to let slide. I do have a few that are "deeper" but only see / talk to them sporadically and would like to find a way to change that if possible. I'm frustrated sometimes because I so often hear, "We need to have lunch. I can't wait to see you," and then when I ask "When?" I never hear from them again until the next time they say, "Hey, we should do lunch. There's so much to tell you." I'm tired of being the one that puts in ALL the effort. I realize that friendships require effort and some will be more give and less take at different times than others but I really don't feel it should be more give and less take all the time. I'm tired of not having anyone choose me. I really don't feel as though I'm a priority to anyone right now. Not first, second, third, or fifteenth. And it sucks.

I have taken matters into my own hands and emailed some women I work with and the wives of some of the men I work with and asked if any of them are interested in starting a book group. I'm hoping that will foster an environment where deeper, more meaningful friendships can take root. Lately I've found myself spending lots of time with the guys at work. It's always been easier for me to develop frienships with men. I'm not really sure why that is. I find comfort in having companionship with men but realize it's not entirely healthy. And it automatically almost always puts me in the "buddy" category with them, which is adverse to my ultimate goal. I know friendships with men can be a good and healthy thing but a lot of times boundaries end up getting clouded and things get confusing. So I think for me at this time in my life, friendships with women are a better bet.

I also find myself more and more recently pontificating on Alaska again, or cutting loose to somewhere else. I know I have a community in Alaska that knows and loves me. I know I wouldn't be as thirsty for friendship there as I am now. It would be so easy for me to just pick up and leave again. I know I have a place to stay up there and good friends. I would always have something to do, someone to hang out with, and not to mention the landscape that I have grown to love on a deep level. I am not making any decisions about this right away. It won't be like last time I up and left for Alaska. It's just something I've thought a lot about lately, among other things.

I'd just ask that you (whoever might read this) be praying for me in this season of my life.