released...

His voice comes out from the cd, over the threshold of my ears, and settles into my heart breaking into the loud silence there and interrupting my self-deprecation:

Clouds rumble, earth will shift
Walls tumble, hearts will skip
Things changing
Everywhere but here

His words pour out with such a sweet, melancholy sincerity it almost aches. I am jarred, pulled by his song from a moment steeped in self-pity. I am reminded of a promise I once read:

“‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” (Isaiah 54:10, NIV)

My question changes, turning from “My world is falling out from under me. What have I to cling to?” into something more reflective of this promise and the one who spoke it, “God, grant me the blessing of your peace that I might cling to this steadfast unfailing love. Even as the earth crumbles underneath my feet, I will hold to it like I lifeline.”

Small window, tiny room
Sun hits in the afternoon
For one minute fills this space
Beautiful, illuminated

My heart expands in its tiny space as the Son hits it. It bends toward the light and the light makes it beautiful. The dank dark corners full of the cob webs, devils and dust left over from last season are swept clean and replaced with new life, green and fresh.

When I am released
And the gates fly open before me
When I am released
Will you still be waiting for me?

When I am finally rid of everything that hinders me and have shaken loose the dirt and muck that always seem to find its way back in again, will you still want me then, because it might take a while? I always seem to want to take back from you my abandonment and to give you back your grace, feigning sinfulness too unworthy for such sweet redemption. I just want to be free from yesterday’s chains, bound only to blue sky and yellow sun, universal symbols of a new day; leaving the past where it lies and looking to graze in pastures of tomorrow’s truth.

Some look and all they find
Are problems and alibis
But my cup is one-sixteenth full
I am getting there but the getting’s slow.

This broken world is blind to what’s being offered, to what you’ve given and are giving. All they see is the brokenness and fail to see the opportunity to be opened up to you, the opportunity to live differently and to make not necessarily the good and safe choice but only the best choice. I am broken too but I’m aware that it’s only the broken pieces that get put back together again. Were it not for my brokenness I would not be thankful for the wholeness. Valleys fill first and though the depth of you in me so far is shallow, I trust that you are constantly pouring yourself into me. Yes, I am getting there but the getting’s slow.

When I walk outside I will see the sky
I will leave all this behind
When I walk outside
Sun to warm my skin, friends to take me in
When I walk outside
When I am released
And the gates fly open before me
When I am released
Will you still be waiting for me?

I can hear the flood of people singing on that day, calling out an anthem of praise and issuing an invitation to come out of hiding, to join the celebration, and to leave the dark corners of solitary prisons behind and stand in the sunlight. My heart hears this invitation and sends out its RSVP for 1: I will be there on that day of celebration.

I can see that God you’re moving,
a time of jubilee is coming.
When young and old return to Jesus
Fling wide, you heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord
Open up the doors and let the music play
Let the streets resound with singing
Songs that bring your hope
Songs that bring your joy
Dancers who dance upon injustice.

(Released lyrics by Glen Phillips; Did you Feel the Mountains Tremble? lyrics by Matt Redman)