choosing to fight ...

So in the spirit of my last post, how's this for transparency and vulnerability: My life is a wreck right now. I feel as though everything's a disaster. It feels like someone took the plug out of the drain that was holding my life in the tub and now it's all rushing mad down the pipes. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm confused. I'm angry and frustrated and hurting. I feel like throwing up. All while trying to remember that happiness is circumstantial, but joy, however, is not. Is this what a crisis of faith feels like?

Once I made the decision and accepted the call to go to Alaska, everything went to pieces. I'm having a hard time discerning whether this is the enemy blocking my way to joining God in his work or if this is God blocking my path with thorn-bushes as he did in Hosea. But when I start to think about it, I really believe that Alaska is where I am called to be. Knowing how alive I felt while I lived there the first time fills me with joy and anticipation. But then I start to question my motives, Am I running from something? Or to something? And then comes the deluge of self-doubt, Who do I think I am to even imagine that I might be worthy or qualified for missions work? Who am I to dare to fulfill one of my dreams (living in the mountains where God continuously meets me) and move to Alaska? Do I deserve to live in such a beautiful place? The last time I moved to Alaska I had a week and a half from decision to landing in Anchorage. I had no time to doubt or question or do anything but move forward. It was so much easier that time. I made my decision and left 9 days later. I wish this time was like that. Don't think, just act. It would make all of this so much simpler.

The other night I had the distinct pleasure of seeing Donald Miller in person and listening to him speak about his new book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I was front row center, literally right under his nose, when he said these words, "The second you decide to live a more meaningful, more beautiful life, you will encounter conflict and pain." I thought, Boy, does this guy have a camera following me around or something? Direct access to my life? Sure, life wasn't all fun and games before I made this decision but conflict has at the very least doubled since I accepted the call. In Million Dollar Baby, Scrap-Iron Dupris, played by Morgan Freeman, says, "Boxing is an unnatural act, because everything in it is backwards. You wanna move to the left, you don't step left, you push on the right toe. To move right, you use your left toe. Instead of running from the pain - like a sane person would do, you step into it." I'm trying with everything in me to step into it, to be open to it. Open to it changing me and me coming out the other side better and stronger. He also says in the movie, "Sometimes the best way to deliver a punch is to step back. But step back too far and you ain't fighting at all." So, I am choosing to fight. To not let some conflict rob me of time or important lessons. Or rob me of joy. Time in the desert makes the Promised Land seem that much more beautiful once you get there, right? I'll just keep telling myself that.

But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior ... (Isaiah 43:1-3, NIV)