Well, hello there.
Wow.
What a crazy few months it has been since I last posted. My life has changed. I have changed. My days have changed. All for the better, for certain.
First, I'm gainfully employed again. Hallelujah! I started as a contractor 3 months ago at a marketing agency (here out referred to as The Agency) and 2 days ago went permanent with them. I'm blessed! It's a fantastic place to work and I work with some pretty fantastic people!
Second, 2 other girls and I used to meet weekly to pray and talk and generally do life together. In April, 1/3 of us moved. And not just moved, but MOVED! Like, to Japan moved! And in a week, another 1/3 of us is moving to Oklahoma. And I'll be here. In Kansas. Alone. Without my girlfriends. No, really, I'm happy for them. Couldn't be happier for them really. But I'm just sad for me. I'll miss them. I already miss them immensely. I have Rebecca- and Stephanie- shaped holes in my heart.
Third, my dad has been diagnosed with polymyositis. It's basically an auto-immune disease in which the immune system attacks his muscles. It's painful and awful. It seems to be progressing rather rapidly. He has a muscle biopsy coming up that will tell us a lot more about his prognosis.
Fourth, I've been asked by a friend I met in Alaska, who has become like a little brother in some ways, to write a synopsis of his music for his band's coming Myspace page. I feel honored and blown away and humbled all at the same time. I should be getting advance copies of some of his music next week or sometime soon to start this process. Talk about flattering!
This is all just a small fraction of my world lately. Figured I'd update this thing since it's been so neglected for so long. Hope to start getting back into the regular swing of things here on yasha.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
22 July 2010
21 April 2010
miracles (by walt whitman) ...
WHY! who makes much of a miracle?
As to me, I know of nothing else but miracles,
Whether I walk the streets of Manhattan,
Or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky,
Or wade with naked feet along the beach, just in the edge of the water,
Or stand under trees in the woods,
Or talk by day with any one I love--or sleep in the bed at night with any one I love,
Or sit at table at dinner with my mother,
Or look at strangers opposite me riding in the car,
Or watch honey-bees busy around the hive, of a summer forenoon,
Or animals feeding in the fields,
Or birds--or the wonderfulness of insects in the air,
Or the wonderfulness of the sun-down--or of stars shining so quiet and bright,
Or the exquisite, delicate, thin curve of the new moon in spring;
Or whether I go among those I like best, and that like me best--
mechanics, boatmen, farmers,
Or among the savans--or to the soiree--or to the opera,
Or stand a long while looking at the movements of machinery,
Or behold children at their sports,
Or the admirable sight of the perfect old man, or the perfect old woman,
Or the sick in hospitals, or the dead carried to burial,
Or my own eyes and figure in the glass;
These, with the rest, one and all, are to me miracles,
The whole referring--yet each distinct, and in its place.
To me, every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle,
Every square yard of the surface of the earth is spread with the same,
Every foot of the interior swarms with the same;
Every spear of grass--the frames, limbs, organs, of men and women,
and all that concerns them,
All these to me are unspeakably perfect miracles.
To me the sea is a continual miracle;
The fishes that swim--the rocks--the motion of the waves--
the ships, with men in them,
What stranger miracles are there?
As to me, I know of nothing else but miracles,
Whether I walk the streets of Manhattan,
Or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky,
Or wade with naked feet along the beach, just in the edge of the water,
Or stand under trees in the woods,
Or talk by day with any one I love--or sleep in the bed at night with any one I love,
Or sit at table at dinner with my mother,
Or look at strangers opposite me riding in the car,
Or watch honey-bees busy around the hive, of a summer forenoon,
Or animals feeding in the fields,
Or birds--or the wonderfulness of insects in the air,
Or the wonderfulness of the sun-down--or of stars shining so quiet and bright,
Or the exquisite, delicate, thin curve of the new moon in spring;
Or whether I go among those I like best, and that like me best--
mechanics, boatmen, farmers,
Or among the savans--or to the soiree--or to the opera,
Or stand a long while looking at the movements of machinery,
Or behold children at their sports,
Or the admirable sight of the perfect old man, or the perfect old woman,
Or the sick in hospitals, or the dead carried to burial,
Or my own eyes and figure in the glass;
These, with the rest, one and all, are to me miracles,
The whole referring--yet each distinct, and in its place.
To me, every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle,
Every square yard of the surface of the earth is spread with the same,
Every foot of the interior swarms with the same;
Every spear of grass--the frames, limbs, organs, of men and women,
and all that concerns them,
All these to me are unspeakably perfect miracles.
To me the sea is a continual miracle;
The fishes that swim--the rocks--the motion of the waves--
the ships, with men in them,
What stranger miracles are there?
30 March 2010
dear mom (10 years later) ...
Today is 10 years since I last saw you and I just thought I'd share some things with you, that you may or may not already know. First, I just want to say how much I miss you - so much that it aches sometimes in places I never knew I had within me. I catch myself thinking about you or looking at the picture of you and me together that I keep on my dresser and struggle with the fact that 10 years have gone since I heard your voice or felt your touch or soaked in your laughter. It doesn't seem possible.I find myself thinking lately about how much I regret. I regret the days I was too hard on you or caused you any pain in my defiance. I regret the time I wasted doing other foolish things when if I'd known you were leaving so soon, I would have spent them getting to know you and talking to you and listening to you. I would have spent more time memorizing you: the laugh lines in your face; the way you moved; your laugh when you found something really funny; how you suffered so much but never complained, taking each day in stride and living out your name - Faith; how you looked sitting at the piano every morning playing Fur Elise; or the joy you took in the simpler things. Forcing myself now to think back I can almost hear you but the more I try to remember the more the image fades from memory - like a dream when you first wake up. It makes me sad that I can't remember these things in much detail anymore. I kick myself for not paying more careful attention back then to the things I would 10 years later find more important. "Hindsight's 20/20," I imagine you saying now. And I know you don't hold any of this against me now, nor did you even then. It's just the way I feel and I suppose I need to someday reach the point where I can release myself from that and offer forgiveness to the girl I was back then.
I have healed in so many ways over the last several years (the last few especially - even the last ONE) from the wounds of a particularly painful childhood. Dad and I have a relationship that I never imagined possible for him and me. I suppose something shifted that day we watched you draw your last breath and being the only two in the room with you. We have done a lot of hard work through the grace of God and his work in us that has offered me much hope and comfort. We continue to grow and learn from each other and about each other, offering the other grace and forgiveness when one of us has unintentionally hurt the other, which happens much less frequently now than ever before.
I am learning so much about myself, about our family and its dynamics in my life, about God and grace, through careful and honest introspection and through relationships with trusted confidants that have permission to draw my attention to those things in my life that need some extra medicine. This group of people, a few women and dad, has been extraordinary and cathartic for my growth. I am so very thankful for their presence in my life and for taking on a role that I can only imagine would have been filled by you if you were still with me.
One thing I'm learning through various avenues is that I have become quite adept over the years at defending myself as a way of protecting myself. It has occurred to me that during my most formative years I did not have what I would call a protector, one to protect me from the world and from the lies its prince would sow and nurture in me. Dad wasn't a protector and you weren't a protector because you were trying to protect yourself. I get that, I really do. At least I get it now. But I remember countless nights crying myself to sleep wishing you would leave him and take us with you. Protect us. Be pro-active. Protect yourself better. Stand up for me. Stand up for them and for yourself. Use your voice. I prayed that you would leave him. When it became clear that you wouldn't, I used my own devices to protect myself that has left me defensive and scared in a lot of situations. Having learned from you I stayed in various abusive relationships of my own, not really knowing any other way.
Again, looking back now I am so thankful that you stayed. I know your last few years of marriage were some of your best and it's those years that I remember the most fondly. You and dad taught me so much about love and conflict (how to do them and how not to do them) by sticking it out that are invaluable lessons that likely I would not have learned had you thrown in the towel. And I can't imagine how my life would be different now had you done that. But I have to be honest here in a way I never have before and while I have certainly thought it several times over the last several years, I don't think I have ever said this out loud before. I was so angry with you over those things though I am not sure I was willing to see it and name it until now. But I think I've come to the place where I absolutely have to let go of that or it will tear me apart. I have spent the better part of the last 10 years feeling guilty for feeling that way towards you, like I was somehow dishonoring you even in death. Even now I struggle to write these words or to bring them out into the open. But hanging onto that won't bring me healing or freedom. So in an effort to bring this into the light, to finally give a voice to something has been a thorn in my side for 30+ years, and with anxious expectation that releasing you from this will also release me and bring me into a more abundant freedom: I forgive you. I forgive you for not protecting me and I forgive you for oftentimes making Dad "the bad guy."
Not only that but I also seek forgiveness. The Trinity is and has always been my Defender and I am sorry that I tried to cast you in a role that had already been filled. I am so sorry for any pain I caused you, and I know it must have been great at times. My anger and fear manifested themselves in many unhealthy ways. I don't offer that as an excuse or a means to justify behaviors I wish I could take back. Instead I offer that as a confession. I suppose many experts would say that every child or teenager goes through a period of particular defiance or rebellion and maybe they're right. I just know what I remember and most of it isn't pleasant. I wish I could remember more of the good because I know there must have been more of the good stuff than the bad. I'm not sure why my mind has chosen to remember the bad and not more good when most times you hear of people repressing the bad. I have to leave all of this at the foot of the cross for him to take and make something beautiful of it. And I am choosing to believe that he can do what he says he can do.
How I wish you were here to have an adult mother-daughter relationship with me. I expect we would meet for coffee regularly and I could tell you all the other ways I am changing and growing and becoming more and more myself, who I was created to be. There's so much I could and want to share with you and find out about you, we could sit for hours and talk if you were here. The Refiner's Fire burns hot these days but I am so thankful for it in a way. It's opened doors to beautiful new friendships and deepening older ones. I am so blessed by my friends and have a few with whom I share a special bond: we all know what it it feels like to grieve the loss of a mother too early, we know a little of what one of us might be feeling as we look back with our minds' eye to times that were simpler, and if not safer, then at least more innocent, times that found us in the arms of our mothers. Even though I may not see those friends as often as I truly would like, I can't deny that those bonds are some of the sweetest I possess. We often like to imagine out loud that our moms are all friends up there in Heaven watching us down here, interceding for us, grieving for us when mistakes we make bring loss in one form or another, and laughing with us when life enraptures us. How I wish that you were here and that their moms were all here and we could all go out for dinner together.
I wish for that and yet I know that can't happen and probably wouldn't have happened if you were all still alive. I am thankful for the rich and wonderful blessings your passing has afforded me. I long for you but can profoundly sense that my life would not be as rich. I imagine Dad and I wouldn't be as close as we are today. Some of the friends I share such special bonds with probably would not be as special to me, if we were even friends at all. Who knows in what other ways my life might have been less rich. While I miss you with every fiber of my being, I can't help but think that if you were here, would I be somehow missing these things that have brought so much beauty to my life because of your absence. Would that be the loss I was grieving today? I imagine so.
I love you, Mom. I miss you. Please give Becky, Debbie and Carolyn a hug and thank them for me when you see them and have a glass of wine together.
And for Becky, Debbie and Carolyn: Thank you so much for giving life to your girls and for setting them on a path that would one day lead them to collide with mine in ways that would affect my life for the better. Your respective daughters all mean the world to me and am so blessed by their presence in my life and can't help but think that this life would be less without them. You raised them well and beautifully and I can't help but imagine you teaching them all the grace and acceptance that they have shown to me in various ways. I wish I'd had the privilege of knowing you all before your passing but am content with knowing your girls and, in a way, knowing you through them. They continue to teach me about grace, love and beauty - lessons I'm sure they learned, in part if not in whole, from you. I look forward to the day when we can all, daughters and mothers, be together and laugh and share and have a glass of wine together. Until then, give my mom a hug when she comes to you. Thank you!
29 December 2009
year in review ...
It's been an interesting year, full of struggle, bent with pain, stretched in faith, ripe with growth and illuminated with light. It was indeed a year in which God had much to teach me and show me about grace, provision, faith and trust.
January: I rung in the new year with friends at a couple different parties, fairly uneventful. New Year's Day I grabbed brunch at First Watch with my old friend Josh visiting from Colorado and saw Slumdog Millionaire with a couple strange guys I'd never met before. They were my roommate's (at the time) friends, but she didn't come with us. And I, of course, marked the new year with the requisite promises to myself of getting in shape and staying in shape. I didn't really succeed at the first, so you know the second wasn't really accomplished either.
February: Started the month off with a bang on the 3rd with my small group by having dinner at the Power & Light District and going to Chris Tomlin's concert at Sprint Center - FANTASTIC concert! I also, that month, met up with a friend from Hillcrest Nazarene, Darla Sargent (Turner), I hadn't seen in over 20 years for some Mexican food and major catching up.
March: This month started off with a bang of a different kind when I lost my job on the 6th. I had been looking at other jobs already but it's always easier to leave on your own terms than someone else's. I went to the Fireman's Auction to help raise money for breast cancer research the day after I lost my job and that helped to get my mind off of things for a couple hours. I saw Watchmen on Friday the 13th of that month with Josh. I had countless appointments with temp agencies, all leading nowhere. My "little brother" Justin came down to visit me one weekend from Minnesota (I met him in Alaska and we just hit it off right away and became pretty close. I hadn't seen him for over 2 years, 2 1/2 probably). That was the highlight of the month - if not the year. We hung out and talked, he played the guitar and sang for me (he's a musician), we saw another friend of mine play in his band at a bar downtown, we went to the park, we stayed up late, we ate amazing food. Good times! I had my interview with the unemployment office and was approved just before the close of the month. This month marked 9 years since my mom passed away on the 30th of 2000. I told my roommate that I was moving out and at the end of the month, I did just that.
April: April Fools Day brought Justin McRoberts in concert to my church. He showered us with that voice of his and it was beautiful, like he always is! On Friday the 3rd I saw a friend, Mark Mansingh, posted on Facebook that he needed someone to manage the office for his start-up wealth management firm, Mark IV Wealth Management. I commented that I was interested and left my phone number. That was at about 4pm. He called me right away and asked if I could start Monday. I said, "Yes," of course. He told me to "dress like a million bucks" and that made me a little nervous. Anyhow, I showed up on the 6th and worked all that week. We all closed up a bit early that Friday. And I had a massive migraine so I went home and went promptly to bed. Monday the 13th came and my migraine and morphed into a major sinus infection. I called in sick Monday and Tuesday. He called me Tuesday and said that he didn't need me anymore, he had hired someone else that was an excellent public speaker (which was a necessary part of the job). That was fine with me though because I scored an interview with the number ONE company I would want to work for if I could work anywhere, International Justice Mission in Washington, D.C. I had applied there on what I thought was a total longshot. But they called me for an interview and I was ecstatic! Even though I didn't get the job, my dream company thought enough of my resume and cover letter and other application information to want to interview me! That was the highlight of the month, no doubt about it, if not the year! The next week I was on I-35, a major interstate, and my car's timing belt decided that was the best place to break. My car stopped. Luckily I was able to get off to the side of the highway before I wound up dead. I had it towed and suffered a huge blow when the estimate came to $1500! God was good and provided for me and I was able to get the repairs done a couple days later. Two days later I was at Whole Foods and my door (the driver's door) decided to break and wouldn't close . I drove home with it bungied shut and that was pretty interesting. So the next day found me plunking down another $500 on body work. NOT fun when you're employed, let alone unemployed - in case you were wondering.
May: Sunday the 3rd I was at my friend Jason's place. He made dinner and we watched Dark Side of Oz and Alice on the Wall. I was leaving at midnight or so. I took a few steps out his front door and rolled my right ankle. HARD! It instantly swelled up to about the size of a softball and I had thisweird hole on the top of my foot up near my pinky toe (not sure where that came from). And since it was my right ankle I couldn't drive so I gimped back inside and "slept" on my friend's couch, meaning I laid there wincing in the dark most of the night and unsuccessfully tried to keep my foot warm despite the ice. In the morning, I couldn't put any weight on it at all. NONE. This was not a good sign - in case you were wondering. I hopped on one foot to the bathroom and every hop jolted it and sent pain shooting up my leg. Again, not a good sign. Jason went and bought me a cane (a CANE!) and an ace wrap. I called my friend and told her what happened and that I couldn't drive home. She left work and came to get me. Jason gave me a piggy back ride to the car and I probably nearly killed him. The cane was useless given that I couldn't put any weight on it. I got home and promptly called my sister who stored a bunch of stuff (including my crutches) for me while I was in Alaska for 2 years. She said she knew they were somewhere but wasn't sure. She called back and said she found them and said she'd be willing to meet Dad in Lawrence, KS (about the halfway point between Topeka and Olathe). So that night he drove to Lawrence to get my crutches and upon dropping them off to me he said it looked broken. And he was right, it did look broken. I didn't have insurance at the time so this was all very scary to me. The next day I got in to see my doctor and the office visit and xrays were only $80! They said there were no obvious breaks but the amount of swelling could be hiding a stress fracture. They also said that I likely had torn several ligaments. They said to remain non-weight bearing for 2-4 weeks and then gradually begin to put weight on it as tolerated and that if the swelling and pain didn't dissipate greatly within 2 weeks to come back. Two weeks later I was back in the office. Still swollen huge, still unbelievably painful, still purple and black and blue, still had that weird hole in my foot. They took more xrays and pulled and pushed it all over again. They said it likely was a stress fracture and undoubtedly some tears. They said they thought I had torn all the ligaments where my toes meet my foot, the ligaments in my ankle and did some heavy damage to the outside of my foot. Then they uttered the "s" word. Surgery. They said that I might need it, especially if I wasn't walking within another two to three weeks and they gave me this awesome rainbow shoe to wear so that all my friends would envy me. Somewhere in the middle of this I went with my friend Christina to visit another friend, Rachel, for Mother's Day weekend in Springfield, MO. All three of us lost our moms and so decided to spend that weekend celebrating together. It was a wonderful time of just hanging out, lots of laughter, manicure for me and mani/pedis for them (remember the foot? yeah, no pedicure for me, sadly). Brunches. Dinner out. Homemade sangria! Creating our Match.com profiles. Rachel's friend Gil. It was just a wonderful weekend, despite all the pain I was in. This month brought me a lot of support in the form of wonderful friends who came over and did laundry, went grocery shopping, kept me company, got me out of the house for brief periods, went and picked up my car from Jason's, and just loved on me.
June: The first Sunday of June was a magic day. I woke up and like every other day for the last week or two tried to put weight on my foot. And I could! Not only that but I could sort of gimp on it. That was a great feeling! You have no idea how difficult it is to take a shower/bath when you can't put weight on one foot. All sorts of climbing and huffing and puffing and hoisting and work transpires just to accomplish this normally menial task. It was thoroughly exhausting. But on that magical day in early June, I could put some (read: a very little) weight on it finally. Four weeks to the day. I of course didn't feel comfortable yet standing in the shower (hello? slick surfaces and all.) so it wasn't easy like it was before the injury but it sure beat what I'd been having to go through. So that started a speedy road to recovery after that day. No surgery for me! Hooray! A week or so after that magic day I started helping a friend, Andrew, in his home office. I worked with Andrew at Laminate Works (he's actually the one that got me the job there when I got back from Alaska in 2007) until March when they let me go. I already knew a lot of the business so it made sense for me to help him out on a "consultant" basis. So I started doing administrative stuff for him a few hours a week, here and there. It was a welcome supplement to my unemployment benefits. I turned 32 this month as well and attempted to throw myself a party. My "little brother" Justin (the one from March) said he'd come down and spend the weekend with me. I think six people showed up (over 20 had responded that they would be there) and I didn't know a couple of them (they were friends of friends or something). Justin couldn't as he had a long-time friend that had stage 4 colon cancer at 22 years old and was dying. Understood, of course. I had a ton of leftover food but it was still fun. We grilled and played some game (don't remember what), and drank sangria and beers, and ate divine cupcakes that my friend Janine made: lemon lime cupcakes with a blackberry butter cream frosting and blackberry sauce drizzled over the top! A couple days before my birthday, which is on the 17th - in case you were wondering and wanted to put it on your calendars for 2010 - I met a friend of a friend for a job interview. He runs a telecommunications company and needed an office manager. We talked for a bit and each said we'd pray it over and reconvene in a couple days. So a couple days later we met again and both committed to the job. He took me out for lunch to celebrate the job and my birthday. I was to start July 1st, working 10 hours/week so that I could continue collecting my full unemployment check. The rest of the month was fairly uneventful, I think. The last weekend of the month I went out to my dad's lake house north of Manhattan, KS. Both my sisters were there and all their kids. It was such a wonderful weekend! Full of outdoor cooking and dining, relaxing, walking down to the lake, Sophie (my boxer) running about chasing the kids on their four-wheeler and Barbie jeep. Fantastic sunsets! And family.
July: I started work on the 1st and put in a whopping 4 hours at the office! It was tough. I was off again until the 6th so I relaxed all weekend. I saw Dierks Bentley give a free concert with a couple of friends of mine. Not a lot happened this month. I "broke up with" my best friend of more than 17 years after a couple trusted mentors of mine told me I needed to get out of this "abusive relationship." I had prayed about it and actually had been thinking about ending it for several years. When I finally did, I felt relief and the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. Why hadn't I done that sooner! I did some karaoking on the 10th with some girlfriends, went to a fish fry on the 18th with my roommate, saw Toad the Wet Sprocket on the 23rd and Better than Ezra on the 24th. My dad's best friend for over 30 years, Kim, was in town from Seattle. I got to see him for a bit and have dinner with him and my dad.
August: On the 2nd I received a text from a friend, Leah, that she and her husband Jay were watching Defiance that night if anyone wanted to join them. I went and watched with them and Jay's friend John. Afterwords, we hung out and ate and played euchre until about 2am. Had a great time! On the 5th, Lindsey Jones was leading worship at my church and that was amazing. On the 9th my friend Kelsy had just returned from picking corn at her family's farm in Iowa. She invited everyone over for corn on the cob! We ate and attempted to watch a movie outside with the projector, until it started raining. On the 23rd, my good friend Lydia, who had just returned from her summer in Europe, and I met up to see The Proposal. I was sad when I learned that it wasn't filmed in Alaska at all but actually on the East coast in Massachusetts. The rest of the month was spent working 10 hour weeks and still continuing my search for full time work in the Kansas City area. During my search I learned that my friend Ryan had vacated his position at Alaska Christian College as Front Office Coordinator to move to Chicago. I applied for the position, interviewed, was offered and accepted the position. It was agreed upon that I would start January 20th. I was thrilled to be moving back to Alaska, the place I fell so deeply in love with a few years prior. The thing was, however, that all paid staff positions at ACC are missionary positions and each staff person was required to raise their own support to cover their salary. So I started the process of fundraising: sending newsletters, emails, letters to area churches, organizations, etc ... I got a few people to respond and commit to giving what the could during my career there.
September: On the 3rd I met up with my cousin Josh and his wife for some Famous Dave's barbecue at the Power & Light District downtown. We walked around a bit and then came back to my place and watched a movie and hung out. I hadn't seen them since Christmas of 2005 when I visited them in California for 10 days. They were here visiting relatives and contacted me. It was wonderful to see them and the kids again. I saw them again on the 14th for some Jack Stack Barbecue at the Freight House (my personal favorite for barbecue) the night before they left. We then walked around Crown Center and The Westin Hotel and the Hyatt. We went up to Skies, the revolving restaurant that offers stunning vistas of the city. And then said goodbye. I continued my efforts to fundraise for my position in Alaska and continued to work for the telecommunications company. On the 21st, I worked my last day there, although I didn't really know it at the time. It's a long and sordid story, that I won't go into here. I'll just say that I'm so thankful that I'm not working for him anymore. Good riddance! On the 20th I went to my friend Jason's (remember him from the night I ended up on crutches?) for brisket. I was there maybe an hour and left (along with everyone else) because he was being a jerk to everyone there, especially me. It used to be that I would put up with that kind of behavior. Or I might get mad for a night or a week but I would eventually just brush it off and never mention it. Not anymore. This year has been a paramount year for me and setting boundaries with the people in my life. That night gave me the perfect opportunity. A friend of his, whom I'd never met before, even stood up for me. Anyhow, I don't have room for that in my life. The highlight of the month came on Tuesday, the 29th, when I went to see Snow Patrol with my friend Rachel (one of the Motherless Daughters from Mother's Day weekend). We had dinner at Blanc Burgers and Bottles. Had the dangerously delicious truffle fries. And she also gave me Donald Miller's new book that had just been released that day. Plain White T's opened for Snow Patrol and I think this maybe was the highlight of my year (not Plain White T's but Snow Patrol).
October: Or maybe the highlight of my year came on October 3rd when Rachel and I drove the 3 hours to Wichita to see Donald Miller speak about his new book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Oh. My. Awesomeness! It was unbelievable! We sat in the front row, center, right under his nose. Afterwords, we met him and each had our pictures taken with him. He had his arm around us! In all seriousness, it was one of my favorite things of this year - that entire night was. The breathtaking drive down against a backdrop of the Kansas Flint Hills, an amazing sky, good music, and great company. I think I could just stop right here for this month and it would be sufficient. We drove back that night and it was late but still on the high of having met him. The next day we had brunch at Classic Cookie. A few days later I met up with an old roommate of mine, Rebecca. We lived (and worked) together in 2002-2003. I hadn't seen her since then, save one time when we met to eat at Chipotle. I think it was December of that same year maybe. We had reconnected on Facebook and she emailed me to say that we were in very similar places in life and could we meet. So we did. And what a blessing she has been to me since then! On the 11th my friend Kelsy (remember the corn party in August?), had just returned from picking apples at her family's farm in Iowa and had an apple party. Translation: about 40 apple desserts in lots and lots of people. I took my dad along with me. Oh boy, was it all delicious! Efforts continued for fundraising and wasn't getting much response. Due to the loss of my job at the telecommunications company in September, my unemployment benefits were put on hold. I had no money coming in (by the end of it, I went 7 weeks without any income whatsoever) and was starting to panic. I decided to apply for food stamps and that was a very humbling experience. I was approved and it was definitely a blessing, despite the occasional mean look from the person behind the cash register. This month, I also finished reading The Shack and went to hear C. Baxter Kruger talk about the book and about grace and Papa, Son, Sarayu. It was a 2-day lecture that was life-changing and life-giving in unexpected ways. Also, this month, God grew my faith by leaps and bounds by providing for me in huge ways. He is so good. And my church had a lot to do with that too. The last weekend of the month, Halloween weekend, I went to my sister Traci's in Topeka for the weekend. That Friday my brother in law turned 40 so they went out and I watched the kiddos, all 6 of them (soon to be SEVEN!), for the evening. That weekend we played, we packed some (they had sold their house), we handed out candy to trick-or-treaters. We went out to the land they were thinking about buying. On Sunday night we went to a bonfire and hayride and ate hot dogs cooked over the fire and made s'mores and watched as God drew attention to himself yet again with a breathtaking sunset over the Kansas hills.
November: When I got back in town from Topeka I noticed I had missed a couple of calls on my cell phone from one of the temp agencies, saying that they had a job for me and that it started Monday (this was Sunday night, mind you). Of course I thought it was too late but called them back on Monday morning anyway. Yep, too late. Half an hour later they called me back and said the person they sent didn't show up at the assignment and asked if I was still available and interested. Of course I was. So I started work the next day. Let me tell you, it felt great to be a functioning member of society again. It actually felt good (and I never thought I'd say this) to be in rush hour traffic because it meant I had somewhere to be, it meant I had a job to get to. The assignment was 4-6 weeks long, taking calls from mental health providers and clients, answering some questions and transferring others. It was perfect as I was/am planning on completing my degree in sociology and psychology. I was ecstatic to work in my preferred field. That first week of November I also had my phone interview with unemployment (from when I lost the job with the telecom company back in September) to go over details about the separation. I had documented everything and took meticulous notes and mailed that to them weeks prior so they had that information. They just needed me to fill in missing pieces. That was on Friday the 6th. Saturday the 7th, out of sheer curiosity I checked my status on the Kansas Department of Labor's website. They issued payment to me that morning for the previous 7 weeks based on the results of my phone interview and my documentation! It was such a relief to see that! Yet another way that God provided for me this year. Also on the 7th, Rebecca (my old roommate) and I started the first of weekly prayer meetings. It's been a stretch for both of us, as we're both fairly uncomfortable praying with others, but Man! has it ever been more of a blessing! On the 11th I went to a retirement party for a coworker of mine from Laminate Works (the place that let me go, way back in March). It was great to see everyone again and a little sad too, to see all the changes and to notice the missing faces. All the salesmen were in town and it was fun to see them again and do a little catching up and wish Joe well. I continued working at the behavioral health place 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Thanksgiving weekend I went back to my sister's in Topeka for a long weekend. I tried my hand at making my first cheesecake from scratch, a pumpkin goatcheese cheesecake. It was a big hit! Everyone asked for seconds, even my nephew Daniel that doesn't like sour cream or goat cheese! I caught the stomach virus on Thanksgiving Day so I didn't eat a whole lot, which was fine with me in the long run. It lasted a couple days until I finally decided to go home a whole day earlier than I planned, but it felt good to get home into my own bed, even though I'd say my bed at their house is comfier. Fundraising efforts continued despite the gnawing sense that it just wasn't going to come together. I began to have serious doubts if the timing for Alaska was right. I put in a word to the place I was temping and told them I'd be interested in permanent if they had anything available. I also emailed my boss in Alaska and told her my thoughts and was relieved upon reading her response: Please don't feel bad about this! ... That was a huge relief! I told her I'd give her my final decision by December 11th. Late November I made plans to visit my little brother Justin in Chicago (he moved there from Minnesota in October) for New Years. He promised that if I bought the tickets he'd help me pay for them. This will be the very first year I had "big" plans for New Years and I was ecstatic.
December: Thursday the 3rd my temp agency called me and told me that the next day would be my last day at the current assignment, that I had done a fabulous job for them but they no longer needed me. That was hard to hear, given they had repeatedly told me there was possibilities that it could be a permanent job. A couple days before December 11th (the final date to give word to ACC) I sent off an email to Alaska Christian College officially withdrawing my application and told them that I would not be coming in January, that I didn't feel the timing was right and had little peace with the idea of going. They were very understanding, thankfully, which made it so much easier to do. Also this month, I began putting together a creative writing portfolio to submit to Hallmark, which is headquartered here in Kansas City. I haven't sent it in yet, still compiling my writings, trying to select the best ones, writing new ones, etc ... We'll see what happens. Rebecca and I decided to add my friend Stephanie to our weekly prayer meetings. It's been wonderful to have that standing date every Saturday. We gather early in the afternoon, talk about our weeks, pray, and then usually eat together and just hang out. The last time we met (a week before Christmas) we went and had dinner on the Country Club Plaza with all the Christmas lights lit and walked around. Those two girls are so very important to me and I can't wait to see them again! Yesterday, the 28th, I heard from Justin (who has since moved back to Minnesota but was still planning on meeting me in Chicago for New Years) that he has to work this weekend and can't meet me in Chicago. I had already bought train tickets: $120. Keep in mind that I'm unemployed, yet again. But I understand, there's not much he can do about it. And I called Amtrak and they refunded the full cost of the tickets! So nothing to worry about! Justin had said that he'd reimburse me for them but now there's no worries! I'm still sad to think that I would have been leaving on the 30th and coming back the 3rd. I was so looking forward to seeing him, meeting his girlfriend, and just getting out of town for a bit, changing the scenery for some fresh perspective. But I guess it'll have to wait. Until when, only God knows. Today, I saw Avatar in 3D with my old friend Josh, visiting from Colorado again, and it was quite spectacular. As one friend put it, "It's the new sci-fi standard!" And that wraps up my year so far. A few days left of 2009. Here's hoping 2010 is as good, if not better, than 2009. And of course, I'm starting off the new year with a commitment to getting healthy and staying healthy, just like every other year, the last few years anyway. Hopefully this year I'll stick to it. I'm also resolving to complain less, pay off debt, and open myself up more to new possibilities.
What has your year been like? What are your resolutions for the new year? What are the areas in which you have grown the most this year?
January: I rung in the new year with friends at a couple different parties, fairly uneventful. New Year's Day I grabbed brunch at First Watch with my old friend Josh visiting from Colorado and saw Slumdog Millionaire with a couple strange guys I'd never met before. They were my roommate's (at the time) friends, but she didn't come with us. And I, of course, marked the new year with the requisite promises to myself of getting in shape and staying in shape. I didn't really succeed at the first, so you know the second wasn't really accomplished either.
February: Started the month off with a bang on the 3rd with my small group by having dinner at the Power & Light District and going to Chris Tomlin's concert at Sprint Center - FANTASTIC concert! I also, that month, met up with a friend from Hillcrest Nazarene, Darla Sargent (Turner), I hadn't seen in over 20 years for some Mexican food and major catching up.
March: This month started off with a bang of a different kind when I lost my job on the 6th. I had been looking at other jobs already but it's always easier to leave on your own terms than someone else's. I went to the Fireman's Auction to help raise money for breast cancer research the day after I lost my job and that helped to get my mind off of things for a couple hours. I saw Watchmen on Friday the 13th of that month with Josh. I had countless appointments with temp agencies, all leading nowhere. My "little brother" Justin came down to visit me one weekend from Minnesota (I met him in Alaska and we just hit it off right away and became pretty close. I hadn't seen him for over 2 years, 2 1/2 probably). That was the highlight of the month - if not the year. We hung out and talked, he played the guitar and sang for me (he's a musician), we saw another friend of mine play in his band at a bar downtown, we went to the park, we stayed up late, we ate amazing food. Good times! I had my interview with the unemployment office and was approved just before the close of the month. This month marked 9 years since my mom passed away on the 30th of 2000. I told my roommate that I was moving out and at the end of the month, I did just that.
April: April Fools Day brought Justin McRoberts in concert to my church. He showered us with that voice of his and it was beautiful, like he always is! On Friday the 3rd I saw a friend, Mark Mansingh, posted on Facebook that he needed someone to manage the office for his start-up wealth management firm, Mark IV Wealth Management. I commented that I was interested and left my phone number. That was at about 4pm. He called me right away and asked if I could start Monday. I said, "Yes," of course. He told me to "dress like a million bucks" and that made me a little nervous. Anyhow, I showed up on the 6th and worked all that week. We all closed up a bit early that Friday. And I had a massive migraine so I went home and went promptly to bed. Monday the 13th came and my migraine and morphed into a major sinus infection. I called in sick Monday and Tuesday. He called me Tuesday and said that he didn't need me anymore, he had hired someone else that was an excellent public speaker (which was a necessary part of the job). That was fine with me though because I scored an interview with the number ONE company I would want to work for if I could work anywhere, International Justice Mission in Washington, D.C. I had applied there on what I thought was a total longshot. But they called me for an interview and I was ecstatic! Even though I didn't get the job, my dream company thought enough of my resume and cover letter and other application information to want to interview me! That was the highlight of the month, no doubt about it, if not the year! The next week I was on I-35, a major interstate, and my car's timing belt decided that was the best place to break. My car stopped. Luckily I was able to get off to the side of the highway before I wound up dead. I had it towed and suffered a huge blow when the estimate came to $1500! God was good and provided for me and I was able to get the repairs done a couple days later. Two days later I was at Whole Foods and my door (the driver's door) decided to break and wouldn't close . I drove home with it bungied shut and that was pretty interesting. So the next day found me plunking down another $500 on body work. NOT fun when you're employed, let alone unemployed - in case you were wondering.
May: Sunday the 3rd I was at my friend Jason's place. He made dinner and we watched Dark Side of Oz and Alice on the Wall. I was leaving at midnight or so. I took a few steps out his front door and rolled my right ankle. HARD! It instantly swelled up to about the size of a softball and I had thisweird hole on the top of my foot up near my pinky toe (not sure where that came from). And since it was my right ankle I couldn't drive so I gimped back inside and "slept" on my friend's couch, meaning I laid there wincing in the dark most of the night and unsuccessfully tried to keep my foot warm despite the ice. In the morning, I couldn't put any weight on it at all. NONE. This was not a good sign - in case you were wondering. I hopped on one foot to the bathroom and every hop jolted it and sent pain shooting up my leg. Again, not a good sign. Jason went and bought me a cane (a CANE!) and an ace wrap. I called my friend and told her what happened and that I couldn't drive home. She left work and came to get me. Jason gave me a piggy back ride to the car and I probably nearly killed him. The cane was useless given that I couldn't put any weight on it. I got home and promptly called my sister who stored a bunch of stuff (including my crutches) for me while I was in Alaska for 2 years. She said she knew they were somewhere but wasn't sure. She called back and said she found them and said she'd be willing to meet Dad in Lawrence, KS (about the halfway point between Topeka and Olathe). So that night he drove to Lawrence to get my crutches and upon dropping them off to me he said it looked broken. And he was right, it did look broken. I didn't have insurance at the time so this was all very scary to me. The next day I got in to see my doctor and the office visit and xrays were only $80! They said there were no obvious breaks but the amount of swelling could be hiding a stress fracture. They also said that I likely had torn several ligaments. They said to remain non-weight bearing for 2-4 weeks and then gradually begin to put weight on it as tolerated and that if the swelling and pain didn't dissipate greatly within 2 weeks to come back. Two weeks later I was back in the office. Still swollen huge, still unbelievably painful, still purple and black and blue, still had that weird hole in my foot. They took more xrays and pulled and pushed it all over again. They said it likely was a stress fracture and undoubtedly some tears. They said they thought I had torn all the ligaments where my toes meet my foot, the ligaments in my ankle and did some heavy damage to the outside of my foot. Then they uttered the "s" word. Surgery. They said that I might need it, especially if I wasn't walking within another two to three weeks and they gave me this awesome rainbow shoe to wear so that all my friends would envy me. Somewhere in the middle of this I went with my friend Christina to visit another friend, Rachel, for Mother's Day weekend in Springfield, MO. All three of us lost our moms and so decided to spend that weekend celebrating together. It was a wonderful time of just hanging out, lots of laughter, manicure for me and mani/pedis for them (remember the foot? yeah, no pedicure for me, sadly). Brunches. Dinner out. Homemade sangria! Creating our Match.com profiles. Rachel's friend Gil. It was just a wonderful weekend, despite all the pain I was in. This month brought me a lot of support in the form of wonderful friends who came over and did laundry, went grocery shopping, kept me company, got me out of the house for brief periods, went and picked up my car from Jason's, and just loved on me.
June: The first Sunday of June was a magic day. I woke up and like every other day for the last week or two tried to put weight on my foot. And I could! Not only that but I could sort of gimp on it. That was a great feeling! You have no idea how difficult it is to take a shower/bath when you can't put weight on one foot. All sorts of climbing and huffing and puffing and hoisting and work transpires just to accomplish this normally menial task. It was thoroughly exhausting. But on that magical day in early June, I could put some (read: a very little) weight on it finally. Four weeks to the day. I of course didn't feel comfortable yet standing in the shower (hello? slick surfaces and all.) so it wasn't easy like it was before the injury but it sure beat what I'd been having to go through. So that started a speedy road to recovery after that day. No surgery for me! Hooray! A week or so after that magic day I started helping a friend, Andrew, in his home office. I worked with Andrew at Laminate Works (he's actually the one that got me the job there when I got back from Alaska in 2007) until March when they let me go. I already knew a lot of the business so it made sense for me to help him out on a "consultant" basis. So I started doing administrative stuff for him a few hours a week, here and there. It was a welcome supplement to my unemployment benefits. I turned 32 this month as well and attempted to throw myself a party. My "little brother" Justin (the one from March) said he'd come down and spend the weekend with me. I think six people showed up (over 20 had responded that they would be there) and I didn't know a couple of them (they were friends of friends or something). Justin couldn't as he had a long-time friend that had stage 4 colon cancer at 22 years old and was dying. Understood, of course. I had a ton of leftover food but it was still fun. We grilled and played some game (don't remember what), and drank sangria and beers, and ate divine cupcakes that my friend Janine made: lemon lime cupcakes with a blackberry butter cream frosting and blackberry sauce drizzled over the top! A couple days before my birthday, which is on the 17th - in case you were wondering and wanted to put it on your calendars for 2010 - I met a friend of a friend for a job interview. He runs a telecommunications company and needed an office manager. We talked for a bit and each said we'd pray it over and reconvene in a couple days. So a couple days later we met again and both committed to the job. He took me out for lunch to celebrate the job and my birthday. I was to start July 1st, working 10 hours/week so that I could continue collecting my full unemployment check. The rest of the month was fairly uneventful, I think. The last weekend of the month I went out to my dad's lake house north of Manhattan, KS. Both my sisters were there and all their kids. It was such a wonderful weekend! Full of outdoor cooking and dining, relaxing, walking down to the lake, Sophie (my boxer) running about chasing the kids on their four-wheeler and Barbie jeep. Fantastic sunsets! And family.
July: I started work on the 1st and put in a whopping 4 hours at the office! It was tough. I was off again until the 6th so I relaxed all weekend. I saw Dierks Bentley give a free concert with a couple of friends of mine. Not a lot happened this month. I "broke up with" my best friend of more than 17 years after a couple trusted mentors of mine told me I needed to get out of this "abusive relationship." I had prayed about it and actually had been thinking about ending it for several years. When I finally did, I felt relief and the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. Why hadn't I done that sooner! I did some karaoking on the 10th with some girlfriends, went to a fish fry on the 18th with my roommate, saw Toad the Wet Sprocket on the 23rd and Better than Ezra on the 24th. My dad's best friend for over 30 years, Kim, was in town from Seattle. I got to see him for a bit and have dinner with him and my dad.
August: On the 2nd I received a text from a friend, Leah, that she and her husband Jay were watching Defiance that night if anyone wanted to join them. I went and watched with them and Jay's friend John. Afterwords, we hung out and ate and played euchre until about 2am. Had a great time! On the 5th, Lindsey Jones was leading worship at my church and that was amazing. On the 9th my friend Kelsy had just returned from picking corn at her family's farm in Iowa. She invited everyone over for corn on the cob! We ate and attempted to watch a movie outside with the projector, until it started raining. On the 23rd, my good friend Lydia, who had just returned from her summer in Europe, and I met up to see The Proposal. I was sad when I learned that it wasn't filmed in Alaska at all but actually on the East coast in Massachusetts. The rest of the month was spent working 10 hour weeks and still continuing my search for full time work in the Kansas City area. During my search I learned that my friend Ryan had vacated his position at Alaska Christian College as Front Office Coordinator to move to Chicago. I applied for the position, interviewed, was offered and accepted the position. It was agreed upon that I would start January 20th. I was thrilled to be moving back to Alaska, the place I fell so deeply in love with a few years prior. The thing was, however, that all paid staff positions at ACC are missionary positions and each staff person was required to raise their own support to cover their salary. So I started the process of fundraising: sending newsletters, emails, letters to area churches, organizations, etc ... I got a few people to respond and commit to giving what the could during my career there.
September: On the 3rd I met up with my cousin Josh and his wife for some Famous Dave's barbecue at the Power & Light District downtown. We walked around a bit and then came back to my place and watched a movie and hung out. I hadn't seen them since Christmas of 2005 when I visited them in California for 10 days. They were here visiting relatives and contacted me. It was wonderful to see them and the kids again. I saw them again on the 14th for some Jack Stack Barbecue at the Freight House (my personal favorite for barbecue) the night before they left. We then walked around Crown Center and The Westin Hotel and the Hyatt. We went up to Skies, the revolving restaurant that offers stunning vistas of the city. And then said goodbye. I continued my efforts to fundraise for my position in Alaska and continued to work for the telecommunications company. On the 21st, I worked my last day there, although I didn't really know it at the time. It's a long and sordid story, that I won't go into here. I'll just say that I'm so thankful that I'm not working for him anymore. Good riddance! On the 20th I went to my friend Jason's (remember him from the night I ended up on crutches?) for brisket. I was there maybe an hour and left (along with everyone else) because he was being a jerk to everyone there, especially me. It used to be that I would put up with that kind of behavior. Or I might get mad for a night or a week but I would eventually just brush it off and never mention it. Not anymore. This year has been a paramount year for me and setting boundaries with the people in my life. That night gave me the perfect opportunity. A friend of his, whom I'd never met before, even stood up for me. Anyhow, I don't have room for that in my life. The highlight of the month came on Tuesday, the 29th, when I went to see Snow Patrol with my friend Rachel (one of the Motherless Daughters from Mother's Day weekend). We had dinner at Blanc Burgers and Bottles. Had the dangerously delicious truffle fries. And she also gave me Donald Miller's new book that had just been released that day. Plain White T's opened for Snow Patrol and I think this maybe was the highlight of my year (not Plain White T's but Snow Patrol).
October: Or maybe the highlight of my year came on October 3rd when Rachel and I drove the 3 hours to Wichita to see Donald Miller speak about his new book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Oh. My. Awesomeness! It was unbelievable! We sat in the front row, center, right under his nose. Afterwords, we met him and each had our pictures taken with him. He had his arm around us! In all seriousness, it was one of my favorite things of this year - that entire night was. The breathtaking drive down against a backdrop of the Kansas Flint Hills, an amazing sky, good music, and great company. I think I could just stop right here for this month and it would be sufficient. We drove back that night and it was late but still on the high of having met him. The next day we had brunch at Classic Cookie. A few days later I met up with an old roommate of mine, Rebecca. We lived (and worked) together in 2002-2003. I hadn't seen her since then, save one time when we met to eat at Chipotle. I think it was December of that same year maybe. We had reconnected on Facebook and she emailed me to say that we were in very similar places in life and could we meet. So we did. And what a blessing she has been to me since then! On the 11th my friend Kelsy (remember the corn party in August?), had just returned from picking apples at her family's farm in Iowa and had an apple party. Translation: about 40 apple desserts in lots and lots of people. I took my dad along with me. Oh boy, was it all delicious! Efforts continued for fundraising and wasn't getting much response. Due to the loss of my job at the telecommunications company in September, my unemployment benefits were put on hold. I had no money coming in (by the end of it, I went 7 weeks without any income whatsoever) and was starting to panic. I decided to apply for food stamps and that was a very humbling experience. I was approved and it was definitely a blessing, despite the occasional mean look from the person behind the cash register. This month, I also finished reading The Shack and went to hear C. Baxter Kruger talk about the book and about grace and Papa, Son, Sarayu. It was a 2-day lecture that was life-changing and life-giving in unexpected ways. Also, this month, God grew my faith by leaps and bounds by providing for me in huge ways. He is so good. And my church had a lot to do with that too. The last weekend of the month, Halloween weekend, I went to my sister Traci's in Topeka for the weekend. That Friday my brother in law turned 40 so they went out and I watched the kiddos, all 6 of them (soon to be SEVEN!), for the evening. That weekend we played, we packed some (they had sold their house), we handed out candy to trick-or-treaters. We went out to the land they were thinking about buying. On Sunday night we went to a bonfire and hayride and ate hot dogs cooked over the fire and made s'mores and watched as God drew attention to himself yet again with a breathtaking sunset over the Kansas hills.
November: When I got back in town from Topeka I noticed I had missed a couple of calls on my cell phone from one of the temp agencies, saying that they had a job for me and that it started Monday (this was Sunday night, mind you). Of course I thought it was too late but called them back on Monday morning anyway. Yep, too late. Half an hour later they called me back and said the person they sent didn't show up at the assignment and asked if I was still available and interested. Of course I was. So I started work the next day. Let me tell you, it felt great to be a functioning member of society again. It actually felt good (and I never thought I'd say this) to be in rush hour traffic because it meant I had somewhere to be, it meant I had a job to get to. The assignment was 4-6 weeks long, taking calls from mental health providers and clients, answering some questions and transferring others. It was perfect as I was/am planning on completing my degree in sociology and psychology. I was ecstatic to work in my preferred field. That first week of November I also had my phone interview with unemployment (from when I lost the job with the telecom company back in September) to go over details about the separation. I had documented everything and took meticulous notes and mailed that to them weeks prior so they had that information. They just needed me to fill in missing pieces. That was on Friday the 6th. Saturday the 7th, out of sheer curiosity I checked my status on the Kansas Department of Labor's website. They issued payment to me that morning for the previous 7 weeks based on the results of my phone interview and my documentation! It was such a relief to see that! Yet another way that God provided for me this year. Also on the 7th, Rebecca (my old roommate) and I started the first of weekly prayer meetings. It's been a stretch for both of us, as we're both fairly uncomfortable praying with others, but Man! has it ever been more of a blessing! On the 11th I went to a retirement party for a coworker of mine from Laminate Works (the place that let me go, way back in March). It was great to see everyone again and a little sad too, to see all the changes and to notice the missing faces. All the salesmen were in town and it was fun to see them again and do a little catching up and wish Joe well. I continued working at the behavioral health place 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Thanksgiving weekend I went back to my sister's in Topeka for a long weekend. I tried my hand at making my first cheesecake from scratch, a pumpkin goatcheese cheesecake. It was a big hit! Everyone asked for seconds, even my nephew Daniel that doesn't like sour cream or goat cheese! I caught the stomach virus on Thanksgiving Day so I didn't eat a whole lot, which was fine with me in the long run. It lasted a couple days until I finally decided to go home a whole day earlier than I planned, but it felt good to get home into my own bed, even though I'd say my bed at their house is comfier. Fundraising efforts continued despite the gnawing sense that it just wasn't going to come together. I began to have serious doubts if the timing for Alaska was right. I put in a word to the place I was temping and told them I'd be interested in permanent if they had anything available. I also emailed my boss in Alaska and told her my thoughts and was relieved upon reading her response: Please don't feel bad about this! ... That was a huge relief! I told her I'd give her my final decision by December 11th. Late November I made plans to visit my little brother Justin in Chicago (he moved there from Minnesota in October) for New Years. He promised that if I bought the tickets he'd help me pay for them. This will be the very first year I had "big" plans for New Years and I was ecstatic.
December: Thursday the 3rd my temp agency called me and told me that the next day would be my last day at the current assignment, that I had done a fabulous job for them but they no longer needed me. That was hard to hear, given they had repeatedly told me there was possibilities that it could be a permanent job. A couple days before December 11th (the final date to give word to ACC) I sent off an email to Alaska Christian College officially withdrawing my application and told them that I would not be coming in January, that I didn't feel the timing was right and had little peace with the idea of going. They were very understanding, thankfully, which made it so much easier to do. Also this month, I began putting together a creative writing portfolio to submit to Hallmark, which is headquartered here in Kansas City. I haven't sent it in yet, still compiling my writings, trying to select the best ones, writing new ones, etc ... We'll see what happens. Rebecca and I decided to add my friend Stephanie to our weekly prayer meetings. It's been wonderful to have that standing date every Saturday. We gather early in the afternoon, talk about our weeks, pray, and then usually eat together and just hang out. The last time we met (a week before Christmas) we went and had dinner on the Country Club Plaza with all the Christmas lights lit and walked around. Those two girls are so very important to me and I can't wait to see them again! Yesterday, the 28th, I heard from Justin (who has since moved back to Minnesota but was still planning on meeting me in Chicago for New Years) that he has to work this weekend and can't meet me in Chicago. I had already bought train tickets: $120. Keep in mind that I'm unemployed, yet again. But I understand, there's not much he can do about it. And I called Amtrak and they refunded the full cost of the tickets! So nothing to worry about! Justin had said that he'd reimburse me for them but now there's no worries! I'm still sad to think that I would have been leaving on the 30th and coming back the 3rd. I was so looking forward to seeing him, meeting his girlfriend, and just getting out of town for a bit, changing the scenery for some fresh perspective. But I guess it'll have to wait. Until when, only God knows. Today, I saw Avatar in 3D with my old friend Josh, visiting from Colorado again, and it was quite spectacular. As one friend put it, "It's the new sci-fi standard!" And that wraps up my year so far. A few days left of 2009. Here's hoping 2010 is as good, if not better, than 2009. And of course, I'm starting off the new year with a commitment to getting healthy and staying healthy, just like every other year, the last few years anyway. Hopefully this year I'll stick to it. I'm also resolving to complain less, pay off debt, and open myself up more to new possibilities.
What has your year been like? What are your resolutions for the new year? What are the areas in which you have grown the most this year?
07 November 2009
the power to give glory ...
"Imagine how much a man's life would be changed if trusted that he was loved by God? He could interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulaic religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit, he would have confidence and the ability to laugh at himself, and he could love people without expecting anything in return. It would be quite beautiful, really ... I bring this up only to say there is a certain freedom in getting our feelings of redemption from God and not other people. This what we have always wanted, isn't it? And it isn't the American dream at all, it is the human dream, the deepest desire of our hearts. I would imagine, then, that the repentance we are called to is about choosing one audience over another. Jesus says many times in the gospel that he knows the heart of man, and the heart of man does not have the power to give glory. I think Jesus is saying, Look, you guys are running around like monkeys trying to get people to clap, but people are fallen, they are separated from God, so they have no idea what is good or bad, worthy to be judged or set free, beautiful or ugly to begin with. Why not get your glory from God? Why not accept your feelings of redemption because of his pleasure in you, not the fickle and empty favor of man? And only then will you know who you are, and only then will you have true, uninhibited relationships with others." (From Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller)
22 September 2009
truth vs. lie ...
It's been hard for me to update because I feel like there's just so much for me to cover: process of moving to Alaska, things I'm learning, a study I'm doing, and other aspects of life. All of it has been so good but overwhelming too.
Process: I've sent out support-raising letters to friends and family via email and to churches I think might be interested via snail-mail. I've gotten little response and it makes me uncomfortable. One friend this morning told me that he'd help me by giving toward moving expenses and I was thankful for that. And another friend (from Alaska) emailed last week and said she wants to support me as well. I continually have this mantra playing through my head like a scrolling screensaver: While I might repeatedly find myself in over my own head, I am never in over God's! He is going to provide. I have days when I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, but the other moments, the ones in which the shadow of doubt seemingly overtakes the light, the truth, seem to be coming at smaller intervals lately. I don't want that. I want to be growing in faith, not away from it. I suppose I have thought that I would be farther along in my fund-raising by this point though. Was that foolish of me to have thought that? Perhaps. It's only been a little over a month since I received the offer. But I feel this looming deadline and it makes me start to twitch with anxiety.
Things I'm learning: With all that said, however, I am doing a study at church with other women. It's a Beth Moore study entitled Believing God: Experiencing a Fresh Explosion of Faith. It's all pretty timely if you ask me. It's about how we are to present active participle believe that he is who he says he is, he can do what he says he can do, I am who God says I am, I can do all things through Christ, and God's word is living and active in me. We are to actively believe him. Not just believe in him, but believe him, what he says and what he does. This led me to the thought that I so often call myself a "believer" but really when I label myself that am I really actively believing him in that moment. More often that not, no. I believe in him and I think that's where most of us go wrong. We interpret being a believer as believing in him, and fail at the true meaning: Believe-er, one who actively believes something, the verb form of the word. So I am learning to present active participle believe him in my move, my future as a missionary in Alaska. It seems that it is just so much easier to believe the enemy when he tells me that I'm fooling myself, that I am not worthy of this calling, that money won't come in, that people will mock me for my efforts only to fail in the end, and who do I think I am anyway thinking that God would use me? This is HARD! Living this faith is hard, but I am resting in the knowledge that it will indeed be so worth it in the end.
Other aspects of life: My friend Lisa (from Alaska, the one I mentioned above that said she'd support me monthly) said in the same email that she's horrible at long-distance friendships but that I am "so worth being friends with." That was pretty timely too to be completely honest. I have felt like a failure the last few months in the area of friendships. I have seen the end of two friendships since June, one of which was very significant, the other not as much but still. A third friendship feels like it's on the edge of the cliff waiting for a stiff breeze. I started a small group last fall with the hopes that I would forge some wonderful friendships with some amazing women and we would eventually be really close. I stated in the beginning that I wanted a commitment from them, to remain together for the duration, to truly do life together. That group fell apart in early spring this year. It's no one's fault. People just had to go their different ways. Who was I to try to demand a life-long commitment from them? Things change, lives change, people move, etc ... After the demise of that small group, I emailed the "connect" director at my church to be placed in a new one and that I was also willing to lead a one-on-one mentoring group. I was promised that they would get back with me very soon. That never happened. I have just let the creep in lately that since so many attempts have failed, it must mean there is something wrong with me. A couple of weeks ago my pastor taught on intimacy and immunity and technology. I was hit hard by the idea that I sometimes use technology (Facebook, my blog ... ) as a means to replace real intimacy that's lacking in my life. I use those avenues to gain approval or affirmation instead of actively building into people and giving of myself in true relationships. It was at that point that I decided to join the women's study on Believing God to try to open myself up to others for true intimacy. I think it will be good but also a stretch for me. A stretch because I have a disdain for surface talk. I want to cut out all the surfacey "What do you do? Where do you live?" crap and get to the nitty gritty of things. This might actually be why I feel myself lacking in the friendship department. People ask me something on the surface level and I shut down for some reason. I am sure it shows on my face too because I'm told so often that I don't hide my emotions very well. So I'm sure the asker gets "put off" and any possibility of a future friendship forming is ruined. So again, I'm left thinking that there must be something wrong with me, when they choose to direct their safe questions to someone else that they interpret as a little more "safe." I just want to be real, cut the crap. Let's get to it.
Another thing I have been thinking about is the cynicism that harbors inside of me. I loathe chick flicks (the boy meets girl and fall in love after 3 dates movies). I can't stand them. And it's more than just a level of understanding that it's fairy tale. It's much more than that, much deeper. I can enjoy them at some level right up to the point where the boy and girl get back together at the end and it's presumed that they live happily ever after while the credits roll. But once I can see they are getting to that point I feel myself harden. I actually sense a shift inside. I can't explain it really. And when the guy and girl DON'T get back together in the end, I want to dance with glee on my way out! Take 500 Days of Summer for instance (SPOILER AHEAD!). Great movie all the way through I thought. I love those quirky kinds of movies. Loved the music, loved the actors, and actually loved the story. And what made it even better, for me, is that they don't end up together. She marries someone else. And I was ecstatic. It just makes me wonder why that is, why I feel that way. Am I dooming myself? Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts? I don't know. But I think it's much more serious than just a knowledge that it's not real. It's like I'm afraid to let myself be happy or hopeful. It worries me. I heard a week or so ago - and now I can't for the life of me remember where - that "Every woman has the exact love life that she wants." It left me thinking, Could that really be true? I do believe that I sometimes hide from love (as a self-defense mechanism) to avoid the potential hurt but I still want a love life. I want someone to choose me as I am now, not as the me that I could be. I agree that on some level the statement is true. After all, if we want something bad enough we will create space for it in our lives and rearrange goals to achieve/attain it. But I struggle with the statement too and can't subscribe 100% to the idea. At least not yet. Will keep chewing on that one.
Process: I've sent out support-raising letters to friends and family via email and to churches I think might be interested via snail-mail. I've gotten little response and it makes me uncomfortable. One friend this morning told me that he'd help me by giving toward moving expenses and I was thankful for that. And another friend (from Alaska) emailed last week and said she wants to support me as well. I continually have this mantra playing through my head like a scrolling screensaver: While I might repeatedly find myself in over my own head, I am never in over God's! He is going to provide. I have days when I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, but the other moments, the ones in which the shadow of doubt seemingly overtakes the light, the truth, seem to be coming at smaller intervals lately. I don't want that. I want to be growing in faith, not away from it. I suppose I have thought that I would be farther along in my fund-raising by this point though. Was that foolish of me to have thought that? Perhaps. It's only been a little over a month since I received the offer. But I feel this looming deadline and it makes me start to twitch with anxiety.
Things I'm learning: With all that said, however, I am doing a study at church with other women. It's a Beth Moore study entitled Believing God: Experiencing a Fresh Explosion of Faith. It's all pretty timely if you ask me. It's about how we are to present active participle believe that he is who he says he is, he can do what he says he can do, I am who God says I am, I can do all things through Christ, and God's word is living and active in me. We are to actively believe him. Not just believe in him, but believe him, what he says and what he does. This led me to the thought that I so often call myself a "believer" but really when I label myself that am I really actively believing him in that moment. More often that not, no. I believe in him and I think that's where most of us go wrong. We interpret being a believer as believing in him, and fail at the true meaning: Believe-er, one who actively believes something, the verb form of the word. So I am learning to present active participle believe him in my move, my future as a missionary in Alaska. It seems that it is just so much easier to believe the enemy when he tells me that I'm fooling myself, that I am not worthy of this calling, that money won't come in, that people will mock me for my efforts only to fail in the end, and who do I think I am anyway thinking that God would use me? This is HARD! Living this faith is hard, but I am resting in the knowledge that it will indeed be so worth it in the end.
Other aspects of life: My friend Lisa (from Alaska, the one I mentioned above that said she'd support me monthly) said in the same email that she's horrible at long-distance friendships but that I am "so worth being friends with." That was pretty timely too to be completely honest. I have felt like a failure the last few months in the area of friendships. I have seen the end of two friendships since June, one of which was very significant, the other not as much but still. A third friendship feels like it's on the edge of the cliff waiting for a stiff breeze. I started a small group last fall with the hopes that I would forge some wonderful friendships with some amazing women and we would eventually be really close. I stated in the beginning that I wanted a commitment from them, to remain together for the duration, to truly do life together. That group fell apart in early spring this year. It's no one's fault. People just had to go their different ways. Who was I to try to demand a life-long commitment from them? Things change, lives change, people move, etc ... After the demise of that small group, I emailed the "connect" director at my church to be placed in a new one and that I was also willing to lead a one-on-one mentoring group. I was promised that they would get back with me very soon. That never happened. I have just let the creep in lately that since so many attempts have failed, it must mean there is something wrong with me. A couple of weeks ago my pastor taught on intimacy and immunity and technology. I was hit hard by the idea that I sometimes use technology (Facebook, my blog ... ) as a means to replace real intimacy that's lacking in my life. I use those avenues to gain approval or affirmation instead of actively building into people and giving of myself in true relationships. It was at that point that I decided to join the women's study on Believing God to try to open myself up to others for true intimacy. I think it will be good but also a stretch for me. A stretch because I have a disdain for surface talk. I want to cut out all the surfacey "What do you do? Where do you live?" crap and get to the nitty gritty of things. This might actually be why I feel myself lacking in the friendship department. People ask me something on the surface level and I shut down for some reason. I am sure it shows on my face too because I'm told so often that I don't hide my emotions very well. So I'm sure the asker gets "put off" and any possibility of a future friendship forming is ruined. So again, I'm left thinking that there must be something wrong with me, when they choose to direct their safe questions to someone else that they interpret as a little more "safe." I just want to be real, cut the crap. Let's get to it.
Another thing I have been thinking about is the cynicism that harbors inside of me. I loathe chick flicks (the boy meets girl and fall in love after 3 dates movies). I can't stand them. And it's more than just a level of understanding that it's fairy tale. It's much more than that, much deeper. I can enjoy them at some level right up to the point where the boy and girl get back together at the end and it's presumed that they live happily ever after while the credits roll. But once I can see they are getting to that point I feel myself harden. I actually sense a shift inside. I can't explain it really. And when the guy and girl DON'T get back together in the end, I want to dance with glee on my way out! Take 500 Days of Summer for instance (SPOILER AHEAD!). Great movie all the way through I thought. I love those quirky kinds of movies. Loved the music, loved the actors, and actually loved the story. And what made it even better, for me, is that they don't end up together. She marries someone else. And I was ecstatic. It just makes me wonder why that is, why I feel that way. Am I dooming myself? Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts? I don't know. But I think it's much more serious than just a knowledge that it's not real. It's like I'm afraid to let myself be happy or hopeful. It worries me. I heard a week or so ago - and now I can't for the life of me remember where - that "Every woman has the exact love life that she wants." It left me thinking, Could that really be true? I do believe that I sometimes hide from love (as a self-defense mechanism) to avoid the potential hurt but I still want a love life. I want someone to choose me as I am now, not as the me that I could be. I agree that on some level the statement is true. After all, if we want something bad enough we will create space for it in our lives and rearrange goals to achieve/attain it. But I struggle with the statement too and can't subscribe 100% to the idea. At least not yet. Will keep chewing on that one.
06 September 2009
reality show immunity ...
I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Donald Miller mostly, Searching for God Knows What. It's no surprise to me really that I have taken away some important things from this book, as I have the other 2 of his that I've read.
In particular is one idea he talks about at quite great length. It's his lifeboat theory. Basically it's the idea that since original sin, we have all stopped getting all of our needs met in God, as we were originally designed, and started looking to others to fulfill those needs and for our affirmation. Because of this we all live in this state of mind as though we are all in a lifeboat and there's only room for 10 but there's 11 of us and so we have to decide who we kick out. And we're constantly fighting for our spot in the boat, trying to prove to everyone else how valuable we are, that we have our stuff together, and trying to convince everyone else that they shouldn't kick us out. We all try to get ahead of everyone else to maintain our position in the boat. It's as if this i the most dramatic reality show ever produced and we're competing for immunity in our daily challenges. We hear the narrator as he tells us what is at stake. We aren't just playing to say that we won, there's no million dollars waiting for the winner. We're playing for our lives. Literally. You get voted out of the boat and you die. Or that's what we think and how we feel. We do everything in our power to keep ourselves from being in that last position in the boat: the weakest, poorest, least successful, least contributing person (all by worldly standards) is the one in this position.
This theory has totally changed my worldview, completely revolutionized how I see myself and how I see others. It's changed my behaviors and transformed my heart in some areas, with many left to be changed. It used to be that when someone cut me off in traffic, I would go into a rage about just who does that person think they are cutting me off life that! How dare they?! My heart was against them. Now my heart toward them is softer and I find myself wondering whose lifeboat they are afraid of getting voted out of. It sometimes occurs to me to pray for them and so I do. It used to be that I myself felt the need to speed race everywhere, to be out in front, couldn't stand to have cars on all sides of me, trapping me in so to speak. I would cut people off and weave in and out. Now I realize that this was me just trying to get ahead in the boat, trying to keep as far away from the last position as possible. When I feel anxiety about how others think of me, I remind myself that I am not in a lifeboat about to be kicked out. When I feel as though someone isn't treating me, or someone else, as though I think they should I am able to realize that they feel desperate to cling to life just like everyone else. They can feel that something is missing in them and so they try to do everything in their power to keep others from seeing that they have a piece missing. But really in all their striving to cover up, the truth is revealed.
If one already had all their needs met, they wouldn't feel this desperation to hide the truth behind facades of "Look what I can do" or "Your life would be so empty without me." No pretenses. Just being at rest, effortless being. Jesus lived this way. He was who he was, without giving any weight to what others thought. He was unashamed. I have to say that seems like such a refreshing way to go about life. This reminds me of a passage in 1 Peter chapter 3: "What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in" (The Message). It's an attitude, a lifestyle: to not strive for outward perfection but to live from inner grace, from a place that bleeds of the redemption already completed. That will be a goal of mine in the coming months. To feel secure knowing that I already have my Life Preserver. He already saved me. For good. I don't need immunity because I received mine when I was in about 2nd or 3rd grade and this immunity doesn't transfer to the strongest person next week. It's my immunity and it lasts forever. I'm in the only lifeboat that matters and there's no chance of me getting voted out.
Flashed up in my wildest dreams, the dark red blood streams
Stretching out like vast cracked ice
The veins of you, the veins of me like great forest trees
Pushing through and on and in.
Gliding like a satellite in the broken night
And when I wake you're there, I'm saved
Your love is life piled tight and high set against the sky
That seems to balance on its own.
(Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)
In particular is one idea he talks about at quite great length. It's his lifeboat theory. Basically it's the idea that since original sin, we have all stopped getting all of our needs met in God, as we were originally designed, and started looking to others to fulfill those needs and for our affirmation. Because of this we all live in this state of mind as though we are all in a lifeboat and there's only room for 10 but there's 11 of us and so we have to decide who we kick out. And we're constantly fighting for our spot in the boat, trying to prove to everyone else how valuable we are, that we have our stuff together, and trying to convince everyone else that they shouldn't kick us out. We all try to get ahead of everyone else to maintain our position in the boat. It's as if this i the most dramatic reality show ever produced and we're competing for immunity in our daily challenges. We hear the narrator as he tells us what is at stake. We aren't just playing to say that we won, there's no million dollars waiting for the winner. We're playing for our lives. Literally. You get voted out of the boat and you die. Or that's what we think and how we feel. We do everything in our power to keep ourselves from being in that last position in the boat: the weakest, poorest, least successful, least contributing person (all by worldly standards) is the one in this position.
This theory has totally changed my worldview, completely revolutionized how I see myself and how I see others. It's changed my behaviors and transformed my heart in some areas, with many left to be changed. It used to be that when someone cut me off in traffic, I would go into a rage about just who does that person think they are cutting me off life that! How dare they?! My heart was against them. Now my heart toward them is softer and I find myself wondering whose lifeboat they are afraid of getting voted out of. It sometimes occurs to me to pray for them and so I do. It used to be that I myself felt the need to speed race everywhere, to be out in front, couldn't stand to have cars on all sides of me, trapping me in so to speak. I would cut people off and weave in and out. Now I realize that this was me just trying to get ahead in the boat, trying to keep as far away from the last position as possible. When I feel anxiety about how others think of me, I remind myself that I am not in a lifeboat about to be kicked out. When I feel as though someone isn't treating me, or someone else, as though I think they should I am able to realize that they feel desperate to cling to life just like everyone else. They can feel that something is missing in them and so they try to do everything in their power to keep others from seeing that they have a piece missing. But really in all their striving to cover up, the truth is revealed.
If one already had all their needs met, they wouldn't feel this desperation to hide the truth behind facades of "Look what I can do" or "Your life would be so empty without me." No pretenses. Just being at rest, effortless being. Jesus lived this way. He was who he was, without giving any weight to what others thought. He was unashamed. I have to say that seems like such a refreshing way to go about life. This reminds me of a passage in 1 Peter chapter 3: "What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in" (The Message). It's an attitude, a lifestyle: to not strive for outward perfection but to live from inner grace, from a place that bleeds of the redemption already completed. That will be a goal of mine in the coming months. To feel secure knowing that I already have my Life Preserver. He already saved me. For good. I don't need immunity because I received mine when I was in about 2nd or 3rd grade and this immunity doesn't transfer to the strongest person next week. It's my immunity and it lasts forever. I'm in the only lifeboat that matters and there's no chance of me getting voted out.
Flashed up in my wildest dreams, the dark red blood streams
Stretching out like vast cracked ice
The veins of you, the veins of me like great forest trees
Pushing through and on and in.
Gliding like a satellite in the broken night
And when I wake you're there, I'm saved
Your love is life piled tight and high set against the sky
That seems to balance on its own.
(Snow Patrol, Lifeboats)
20 August 2009
a little of each: past, present, future
So much has taken place since my last post. The biggest, and perhaps most important, is that come January I am moving back to Alaska, the place I fell in love with when I lived there previously from 2005-2007. It was actually right about this time 4 years ago that I first decided to pack up and move to Alaska to attend Alaska Christian College. You can read the progression of that story here, here, and here. Many will tell you that I came alive during my time there. My dad says that I became more myself. It really did transform me, which, I suppose, is one reason I'm returning. It's a missionary position for which I am required to fundraise all of my own support for the duration of my career there: $17400/year or $1450/month. I have moments (most of the time) when I am fully trusting this process to the Most High, boasting in my weakness so that his power will be made perfect. I have other (occasional) moments when doubt grips me and I am afraid. It's a process, one that will undoubtedly teach me much about faith, about God, about others on this journey with me, and about myself. I can't wait!
Also since my last post, I have parted ways with a woman that I have been friends with for 17 years now. We met sophomore year of high school (Fall semester 1992) in choir. She sat behind me and played with my hair and as someone whose primary love language is touch, I let her. We were fairly inseparable over the next several years. We made declarations that we would be each others' maid of honor, would always be best friends and nothing could separate us. In fall of 1998 we were roommates at KU and my personal reasons for being there were probably all the wrong reasons. I desperately wanted out of my father's house and saw college as a seemingly suitable way out, even though I couldn't pay for it. In the not even 8 weeks I was there, I attended class maybe 3-4 times. I slept. I partied. I ate. I managed to get a job at a hotel as front desk help. Personal tragedy struck early that semester and I found myself in literal shock in the ER. My "best friend" abandoned me when I needed her most because of something I wrote about her out of anger and frustration in a letter to my sister but never sent and she had found wadded up IN my trash can. I left KU feeling more alone and scared than I ever had in my entire life. She and I didn't speak for more than 2 years until she'd heard from a mutual friend of ours that my mother had passed away several months before that, and she called to say she was sorry for my loss. I was reluctant to let her back in because the pain of her turning her back on me was so profound and so irrevocable. But I chose to try to look past it. I forgave her and we tried to build our friendship again from there. But I never forgot that hurt, that wound and I think I had my guard up with her ever since, never able to fully trust her though I really wanted to. Sadly, from that point on, it seemed to be a repeated pattern: in my deepest times of need, my darkest hours, she was unavailable. She once told me, "I have enough problems of my own, I can't deal with yours right now" and that though she loved me she couldn't be my friend at that time. I remember the very next day I saw her at church and she acted like nothing had happened, as if she hadn't said any of it. I remember talking with a friend at that time (in early 2005) about wanting to end the friendship. But at the time, my way of dealing with conflict was to avoid it at all costs. I never mentioned it. I think I was so hungry for friendship, for connection, that I put up with it. Or I didn't think I was worth standing up for myself and told myself that's normal, it's what I deserve and nothing better. I was in a very unhealthy place at the time and I say that because I know I made mistakes too. I wanted to end it but I also couldn't reconcile that with "Love keeps no record of wrongs" so I said nothing and stayed. But I still couldn't help but notice that this was her pattern. She also once told me that she was/is the most selfish person I would ever meet. Over time, I really began to see and experience those words come to life and with a new clarity. I think those words that she spoke became a lens through which I viewed almost all of our interactions thereafter. I felt the friendship was over long before it actually ended and I believe I grieved it a long time ago (I would say 2005 or 2006 probably). Something happened about a year ago in our friendship that I believe was the "straw that broke the camel's back" - at least for me. I won't get into details but will say that I found myself deeply, deeply hurt by her again and we didn't speak for a few months. During that time, I began to discuss our friendship with trusted Christian friends and mentors and was advised to end it. More than one said it was an abusive relationship and I needed to get out. And over 4th of July weekend this year something else came up that ultimately led to my ending our friendship. I had prayed about it and talked with people for months and truly felt peace with the decision and once it was done I was relieved, as though a weight had been lifted and I was free to invest in other healthier, life-giving friendships. That I was so at peace and relieved with this said a lot to me, it told me that this was indeed the right thing. And I firmly believe that.
That process has taught me so much about friendships, about myself, God, and even my mother. Growing up with an abusive father, I remember at times wishing my mother would just leave him. I prayed for it, wished for it on stars and on birthday candles. It never happened and though I am eternally thankful now, at the time I was angry, hurt and confused at different times, and other times I was all of those things combined. Her commitment to stay had a lasting effect on me that only in the last month or so have I come to notice in my own life. I've had a series of semi-abusive relationships over the years, never physical abuse (aside from my father) which I have always thought to be easier to deal with. It's the emotional / mental abuse that leaves scars that don't heal and later may flare up and cause problems. I learned from my mother to stay, that it was okay and normal to be mistreated. I learned to put up with it and to avoid. I learned to stay when everything in me was telling me to leave.
I feel I need to make clear at this point that I love both of my parents deeply and feel no ill feelings toward either of them for the past. I have ALWAYS loved both of them and, like I said earlier, am grateful now that they stayed together and were more in love with each other in the months leading up to my mom's passing than I had ever seen before. They did the best they knew to do and did a fantastic job of it at that. My dad has grown and transformed so much under the Refiner's fire. He has always been a gentle, tender-hearted, loving man and now he shows it daily. I am proud of him and know that it is not my praise that matters. I know our Heavenly Father is proud of him too and that it is only by his grace that my daddy is who he is today. With that said, I know there will continue to be things that come up from my past that God will bring to the surface in my present relationships. I know this and welcome this as part of the journey back to Eden, part of the restoration of the glory I was originally intended to bestow, and the reconciliation to my Creator.
Needless to say, there have been some big things happening in me and through me. To hash them all out here would take an eternity but I would say that I've covered the biggest parts. The last 2-3 months I have discovered things in me that I didn't know were there, or more likely, I didn't know how to use. I can't put into words how it feels to stand up for myself, to draw a boundary line and say, "I will no longer let you treat me this way. I will no longer let anyone treat me this way!" It feels good. Tonight I am thankful that God calls me to come with him, not to stay where I am, stuck and frustrated. I choose to go: free and open to the journey.
Also since my last post, I have parted ways with a woman that I have been friends with for 17 years now. We met sophomore year of high school (Fall semester 1992) in choir. She sat behind me and played with my hair and as someone whose primary love language is touch, I let her. We were fairly inseparable over the next several years. We made declarations that we would be each others' maid of honor, would always be best friends and nothing could separate us. In fall of 1998 we were roommates at KU and my personal reasons for being there were probably all the wrong reasons. I desperately wanted out of my father's house and saw college as a seemingly suitable way out, even though I couldn't pay for it. In the not even 8 weeks I was there, I attended class maybe 3-4 times. I slept. I partied. I ate. I managed to get a job at a hotel as front desk help. Personal tragedy struck early that semester and I found myself in literal shock in the ER. My "best friend" abandoned me when I needed her most because of something I wrote about her out of anger and frustration in a letter to my sister but never sent and she had found wadded up IN my trash can. I left KU feeling more alone and scared than I ever had in my entire life. She and I didn't speak for more than 2 years until she'd heard from a mutual friend of ours that my mother had passed away several months before that, and she called to say she was sorry for my loss. I was reluctant to let her back in because the pain of her turning her back on me was so profound and so irrevocable. But I chose to try to look past it. I forgave her and we tried to build our friendship again from there. But I never forgot that hurt, that wound and I think I had my guard up with her ever since, never able to fully trust her though I really wanted to. Sadly, from that point on, it seemed to be a repeated pattern: in my deepest times of need, my darkest hours, she was unavailable. She once told me, "I have enough problems of my own, I can't deal with yours right now" and that though she loved me she couldn't be my friend at that time. I remember the very next day I saw her at church and she acted like nothing had happened, as if she hadn't said any of it. I remember talking with a friend at that time (in early 2005) about wanting to end the friendship. But at the time, my way of dealing with conflict was to avoid it at all costs. I never mentioned it. I think I was so hungry for friendship, for connection, that I put up with it. Or I didn't think I was worth standing up for myself and told myself that's normal, it's what I deserve and nothing better. I was in a very unhealthy place at the time and I say that because I know I made mistakes too. I wanted to end it but I also couldn't reconcile that with "Love keeps no record of wrongs" so I said nothing and stayed. But I still couldn't help but notice that this was her pattern. She also once told me that she was/is the most selfish person I would ever meet. Over time, I really began to see and experience those words come to life and with a new clarity. I think those words that she spoke became a lens through which I viewed almost all of our interactions thereafter. I felt the friendship was over long before it actually ended and I believe I grieved it a long time ago (I would say 2005 or 2006 probably). Something happened about a year ago in our friendship that I believe was the "straw that broke the camel's back" - at least for me. I won't get into details but will say that I found myself deeply, deeply hurt by her again and we didn't speak for a few months. During that time, I began to discuss our friendship with trusted Christian friends and mentors and was advised to end it. More than one said it was an abusive relationship and I needed to get out. And over 4th of July weekend this year something else came up that ultimately led to my ending our friendship. I had prayed about it and talked with people for months and truly felt peace with the decision and once it was done I was relieved, as though a weight had been lifted and I was free to invest in other healthier, life-giving friendships. That I was so at peace and relieved with this said a lot to me, it told me that this was indeed the right thing. And I firmly believe that.
That process has taught me so much about friendships, about myself, God, and even my mother. Growing up with an abusive father, I remember at times wishing my mother would just leave him. I prayed for it, wished for it on stars and on birthday candles. It never happened and though I am eternally thankful now, at the time I was angry, hurt and confused at different times, and other times I was all of those things combined. Her commitment to stay had a lasting effect on me that only in the last month or so have I come to notice in my own life. I've had a series of semi-abusive relationships over the years, never physical abuse (aside from my father) which I have always thought to be easier to deal with. It's the emotional / mental abuse that leaves scars that don't heal and later may flare up and cause problems. I learned from my mother to stay, that it was okay and normal to be mistreated. I learned to put up with it and to avoid. I learned to stay when everything in me was telling me to leave.
I feel I need to make clear at this point that I love both of my parents deeply and feel no ill feelings toward either of them for the past. I have ALWAYS loved both of them and, like I said earlier, am grateful now that they stayed together and were more in love with each other in the months leading up to my mom's passing than I had ever seen before. They did the best they knew to do and did a fantastic job of it at that. My dad has grown and transformed so much under the Refiner's fire. He has always been a gentle, tender-hearted, loving man and now he shows it daily. I am proud of him and know that it is not my praise that matters. I know our Heavenly Father is proud of him too and that it is only by his grace that my daddy is who he is today. With that said, I know there will continue to be things that come up from my past that God will bring to the surface in my present relationships. I know this and welcome this as part of the journey back to Eden, part of the restoration of the glory I was originally intended to bestow, and the reconciliation to my Creator.
Needless to say, there have been some big things happening in me and through me. To hash them all out here would take an eternity but I would say that I've covered the biggest parts. The last 2-3 months I have discovered things in me that I didn't know were there, or more likely, I didn't know how to use. I can't put into words how it feels to stand up for myself, to draw a boundary line and say, "I will no longer let you treat me this way. I will no longer let anyone treat me this way!" It feels good. Tonight I am thankful that God calls me to come with him, not to stay where I am, stuck and frustrated. I choose to go: free and open to the journey.
22 June 2009
dog spelled backwards is ...
She offers her head for me to pat and she leans into it craving my attention and affection. When we are out walking, she sometimes will run ahead so that I can no longer see her, but realizing this she will always come bounding back until I catch up to her, or she'll run back to me as if to check in, to make sure that she's still okay. Once she has my approval or knows that she is still safe, she will walk with me a bit before running off again. She loves me with every part of her and when a storm comes or if she is scared she will crawl into my lap where she knows I will protect her and keep her from harm. I will put my arms around her and cradle her in my love for as long as she needs me to. She will tremble there until the storm has passed or until she knows that her world is safe again. When she has done something wrong she always comes to me with her head hung low. Once I have disciplined her and told her again how much I love her and how precious she is to me, she knows all is right again and she returns to being joyful. She is obedient, always so willing and eager to please me. I can see that she sometimes gets frustrated because she doesn't understand exactly what it is that I want. But together we work on it and eventually she learns. The more I love on her and the more she receives that love the more it shows in how she walks and carries herself, how she behaves, how she plays, the more evident it is in all areas of her life.
She comes to me enthusiastically and offers her love freely, without condition. It is sweet and pure and joyful. When I am upset or frustrated, she is patient and sits with me while I calm down and think things through. When I am sad, she comforts me and listens and is never judging nor condemning. She still loves me even when I am not able to walk with her or play with her. If I forget to feed her, she forgives me readily and loves me anyway. When I do not acknowledge her or pay attention to her she sits patiently and waits while I go about my business before returning to her again. And if I take too long, she always does something to get my attention and to make sure I know that she is still there asking me to love her and seems to promise that if only I would, oh the things she wants to show me! She is always sweet and gentle in spirit. She is playful and funny and has a sense of humor like no other. Her love for me is not conditional on anything I do. She is always ready with her love for me, it is always available.
She comes to me enthusiastically and offers her love freely, without condition. It is sweet and pure and joyful. When I am upset or frustrated, she is patient and sits with me while I calm down and think things through. When I am sad, she comforts me and listens and is never judging nor condemning. She still loves me even when I am not able to walk with her or play with her. If I forget to feed her, she forgives me readily and loves me anyway. When I do not acknowledge her or pay attention to her she sits patiently and waits while I go about my business before returning to her again. And if I take too long, she always does something to get my attention and to make sure I know that she is still there asking me to love her and seems to promise that if only I would, oh the things she wants to show me! She is always sweet and gentle in spirit. She is playful and funny and has a sense of humor like no other. Her love for me is not conditional on anything I do. She is always ready with her love for me, it is always available.
(The first paragraph portrays Sophie, my 3 year old boxer, as analagous to me or us as humans, and myself as God. The second paragraph portrays Sophie as analagous to God and myself as human or humanity.)I have learned so much through her: about me, about God, about my relationship with God. She has brought so much joy to my life in the last 8 months or so since I rescued her. I cannot imagine life without her, much the same way I cannot imagine life without God.
22 October 2007
this weeekend i...
* roadtripped to minnesota.
* had no agenda beyond spending it with a friend i hadn't seen since he took me to the airport in kenai, alaska in may.
* went camping at sacatah lake state park.
* did some hiking in the woods, by a couple lakes, and by minnehaha river/falls.
* cooked over a campfire.
* laughed... a lot!
* talked about life and faith and struggles and memories.
* watched bethel university beat the tar out of st. olaf in football on saturday under a gorgeous blue sky.
* drove with the windows down a lot.
* saw michael clayton (great movie!) "maybe we could talk about this somewhere else?" "oh, like where? in my car?"
* slept in every morning.
* had a fantastic omelette at hot plate in minneapolis. the potatoes were good too but not as good as our campfire potatoes.
* complained about the damn traffic noise killing my nature buzz.
* said out loud, "thank you, God, for this good life; and forgive us if we do not love it enough" and then found out that the daughter of the author of that quote (Garrison Keillor) is in my friend jim's second grade class.
* saw the wreckage of the I35 bridge collapse and said a quick prayer for those affected by the "tragedy of historic proportions."
* marveled several times at the beauty of god's creation and then had to remind myself that i am the pinnacle of his creation, the crowning glory; and that with each new thing he created, the beauty and wonder of the last one was outdone.
* felt at peace in my heart and at rest in my spirit the entire weekend.
* was able to just "be" with myself, in god's presence.
* wished i had brought my journal while simultaneously feeling relief that i didn't have it and, therefore, no pressure to feel i have to write in it. i could just experience fully what the weekend had to offer me.
* had no agenda beyond spending it with a friend i hadn't seen since he took me to the airport in kenai, alaska in may.
* went camping at sacatah lake state park.
* did some hiking in the woods, by a couple lakes, and by minnehaha river/falls.
* cooked over a campfire.
* laughed... a lot!
* talked about life and faith and struggles and memories.
* watched bethel university beat the tar out of st. olaf in football on saturday under a gorgeous blue sky.
* drove with the windows down a lot.
* saw michael clayton (great movie!) "maybe we could talk about this somewhere else?" "oh, like where? in my car?"
* slept in every morning.
* had a fantastic omelette at hot plate in minneapolis. the potatoes were good too but not as good as our campfire potatoes.
* complained about the damn traffic noise killing my nature buzz.
* said out loud, "thank you, God, for this good life; and forgive us if we do not love it enough" and then found out that the daughter of the author of that quote (Garrison Keillor) is in my friend jim's second grade class.
* saw the wreckage of the I35 bridge collapse and said a quick prayer for those affected by the "tragedy of historic proportions."
* marveled several times at the beauty of god's creation and then had to remind myself that i am the pinnacle of his creation, the crowning glory; and that with each new thing he created, the beauty and wonder of the last one was outdone.
* felt at peace in my heart and at rest in my spirit the entire weekend.
* was able to just "be" with myself, in god's presence.
* wished i had brought my journal while simultaneously feeling relief that i didn't have it and, therefore, no pressure to feel i have to write in it. i could just experience fully what the weekend had to offer me.
29 August 2007
and so i wait...
Hi. As you know it's been a while since I have posted anything. Quite possibly this may be the longest I have ever gone without posting, especially posting something of my own since my last post was hocked off of John Eldredge. My lack of posting is due to a number of things really, none of which I can fully explain in a way that will enable you to understand.
I sit silently straining deeply inside myself to try and cover something up that can't be covered. I bury it. But then some time later these little sprouts, evidence of weeds that haven't been pulled out by the roots, start shooting up all over the place and the garden of my heart is a disaster again. I do some weeding, trying to pull them out by their tips but the pruning and pulling is painful and so I give up before I get to the root leaving evidence just below the surface. And all I feel is bare and ugly for a time. I am left with nothing but time to wish I could just go back to the days of long ago when I was lush with flowers and blooms of every variety and I bent toward the sun, untouched and unscathed by humanity and its depravity. I was fed continuously by the Gardener and drank deep from the water he provided. My soil was richer then. Before the evidence of the weeds some asshole planted in the Garden some thousands of years ago, because he was arrogant and afraid, began to show, ruining its true beauty and marring its glory forever after.
Lately, I have just had this longing. I don't know how else to describe it. A longing for life lived with reckless abandon and to explore and ultimately know what that would even look like for me. A longing to hole up in a cabin by the lake in the mountains somewhere and just write like Thoreau did. A longing to open a small new/used bookstore/coffee shop/cozy-corner-in-a-harsh-world in a small mountain town. A longing for family, not family of my own exactly, but my family, my childhood family. A longing for my mom. A longing for Jesus and to just know him so intimately that I am filled with an aching, and, again, to know what that would even look like for me. A longing for connections, for community. (I actually have a good community of believers, and non believers, at work but I want something that carries over to outside.) I have friends, don't get me wrong; and I am not desperate. It's just different than it was before I finally listened to my heart and what was being whispered to me there and decided I needed to go live in Alaska for 2 years and just up and left. Friends I had before I left I haven't heard from since I have been home; and a few people I knew on the surface before leaving have become more precious to me.
While I was away changing and growing, everyone at home was changing and growing too. Why did I not expect that and look for it? Why did I think I could just come back and re-enter everyone's lives like I had never been gone? And why am I now surprised to find that people moved on, found others to confide in, spend time with, call to make last minute plans? I feel as though I have been replaced. But I find myself turning to other "friends": the characters in the books I have been voraciously reading lately. That's just not normal. In fact, I sometimes consider that I might become this person that they'll make a movie out of one day. It will be all about how I plummeted into some dark false reality of living in the landscapes of the books that I read and my relationships with the people there.
Again, don't get me wrong. I have friends. I interact with people on a regular daily basis, in person and on the phone. And I have not started talking to imaginary people about their journalistic adventures in Africa or their own murder that they describe and investigate from their own version of Heaven or their road trips across country or their life on Cape Cod or in Nantucket. There's no need to call a therapist or have me committed. I do feel that it's a good thing that I am aware that it's not normal. I fully acknowledge that while it is easier to hide behind books than it is to step out from behind them and enter into actual relationships, it's, by all means, not healthier.
But I still feel a little vacant. I know this vacancy cannot be filled by other humans. It must be filled by the Holy Spirit. Quite frankly the idea of that scares me a little. And the knowledge that that scares me, scares me. Why would I prefer to cling to the company of men (used in the general sense of the word) – broken, imperfect, fallen, bound-to-hurt-me men – than to cling to God and his holy, unconditional, whole, heals-my-wounds, perfect love? It makes no sense to me. Why am I so stubborn? Why can't I just accept what's best for and being offered to me instead of "knowing" that I am, and will always remain, the single exception to the promise that God's grace is offered freely to those who will receive it? It's true. I just know that it's true for everyone else but not me. It doesn't matter how many times I hear it or someone tries to drill it into me that Yes, indeed. It is true for even you, Christina. It just will not sink in to my thick skull. Or my thick heart. Whichever.
Part of me is constantly battling those feelings of entitlement. I want what others have and I feel I have a right to these things: relationships, possessions, feelings, deep spirituality, a seemingly easy life, to have it all together, etc… Through talks with my friend, and chaplain here at work because I am so blessed to have one, I am learning that if I want to give up my wrongs (attitudes, feelings, actions, etc…) then I have to surrender my rights. I have to live free of the idea that I am entitled to or deserve anything good that I have in this world. The truth is, I don't. And, like Bill reminded me, Christ didn't deserve the Cross. It wasn't fair. But he did it anyway. Bill explained it a lot better than I am doing here, in a way that led me to one of those moments where you sort of sit back, smile, and soak in the light and truth that has just been unveiled to you as though shrouded for years under some great, dark, dusty lies.
It's frustrating to struggle with the same thing over and over and over again. To know the truth and still live in and believe the lie. To see light but remain in the dark like there's a thick "pain" of glass preventing you from ever truly getting there. You begin to chip away at it and it seems like the more you do, the more the little shards stick in you, penetrating deeper, until you're bleeding out everywhere. And so you stop the chipping because your bleeding heart is driving people away. And you start to believe that you will never make it through that wall. If only Someone could come and just shatter that pain of glass all at once, then you would be okay. Only it doesn't really work like that. It has to be a process. Otherwise the shock and hurt of that sudden shattering would probably kill a person. More than shatter the pain, it would shatter the life right out of them too. And you thought just the sight of a little blood was messy.
Just a couple weeks ago I was in Dallas with about 15 of my coworkers and friends. We went down to our new facility to have a service in which we dedicated the company, its customers, employees, the building, everything to God and gave it over to him in prayer. We shared in worship and communion together, celebrating what God is doing. Bert, the owner, and Bill, the chaplain, shared a word with us. They were words that I had been hearing from nearly everyone since I have been home, if not longer. We are all characters playing a role in a larger story. We are all here for a purpose. We may not know what that is this side of life, but have no doubt. Your role in this is important. We could not do this without you. You are vital to this company, to this ministry, to this extraordinary church we operate without calling it a church. It is you. And the hairs on my arms raised and my heart skipped and the corners of my eyes got leaky. Oh how I wanted so desperately for that to be true of me. To be a part of something larger than me. Beyond anything that I could ever dream up or imagine. Is this what I have been preparing for these last 30 years? Has it all been leading up to this? Is it here that I will find my true calling and fulfill my life's purpose and imbibe immense satisfaction? And my questions have gone unanswered. Or maybe I am just not listening and hearing, not tuned to his voice. How I want to be tuned to my shepherd's voice so that when I no longer hear it, I know I have somehow strayed a little too far from the flock and know to stay and wait for him to come and bring me back. And so I wait.
Abba, I thank you for unknowns, for the times in my life when I cannot clearly see the path or where it is leading me. I know in the past those are the times that I have had to learn to lean into you, to trust you with everything in me, even though it was a little scary. It was in those times that you took my mustard seed faith and increased it and showed me things that are far beyond my wildest imagination, more than I could have ever fathomed would be possible. You have a proven history of blessing me so much more than I deserve in the times when I have fully trusted you with the unknowns of my life. May I continue to seek you with fervor and to entrust all my moments, known or unknown, into your big and more than capable hands. Lord, I believe. Only help me with my unbelief and forgive me for my doubt of you. Forever and ever Amen.
I sit silently straining deeply inside myself to try and cover something up that can't be covered. I bury it. But then some time later these little sprouts, evidence of weeds that haven't been pulled out by the roots, start shooting up all over the place and the garden of my heart is a disaster again. I do some weeding, trying to pull them out by their tips but the pruning and pulling is painful and so I give up before I get to the root leaving evidence just below the surface. And all I feel is bare and ugly for a time. I am left with nothing but time to wish I could just go back to the days of long ago when I was lush with flowers and blooms of every variety and I bent toward the sun, untouched and unscathed by humanity and its depravity. I was fed continuously by the Gardener and drank deep from the water he provided. My soil was richer then. Before the evidence of the weeds some asshole planted in the Garden some thousands of years ago, because he was arrogant and afraid, began to show, ruining its true beauty and marring its glory forever after.
Lately, I have just had this longing. I don't know how else to describe it. A longing for life lived with reckless abandon and to explore and ultimately know what that would even look like for me. A longing to hole up in a cabin by the lake in the mountains somewhere and just write like Thoreau did. A longing to open a small new/used bookstore/coffee shop/cozy-corner-in-a-harsh-world in a small mountain town. A longing for family, not family of my own exactly, but my family, my childhood family. A longing for my mom. A longing for Jesus and to just know him so intimately that I am filled with an aching, and, again, to know what that would even look like for me. A longing for connections, for community. (I actually have a good community of believers, and non believers, at work but I want something that carries over to outside.) I have friends, don't get me wrong; and I am not desperate. It's just different than it was before I finally listened to my heart and what was being whispered to me there and decided I needed to go live in Alaska for 2 years and just up and left. Friends I had before I left I haven't heard from since I have been home; and a few people I knew on the surface before leaving have become more precious to me.
While I was away changing and growing, everyone at home was changing and growing too. Why did I not expect that and look for it? Why did I think I could just come back and re-enter everyone's lives like I had never been gone? And why am I now surprised to find that people moved on, found others to confide in, spend time with, call to make last minute plans? I feel as though I have been replaced. But I find myself turning to other "friends": the characters in the books I have been voraciously reading lately. That's just not normal. In fact, I sometimes consider that I might become this person that they'll make a movie out of one day. It will be all about how I plummeted into some dark false reality of living in the landscapes of the books that I read and my relationships with the people there.
Again, don't get me wrong. I have friends. I interact with people on a regular daily basis, in person and on the phone. And I have not started talking to imaginary people about their journalistic adventures in Africa or their own murder that they describe and investigate from their own version of Heaven or their road trips across country or their life on Cape Cod or in Nantucket. There's no need to call a therapist or have me committed. I do feel that it's a good thing that I am aware that it's not normal. I fully acknowledge that while it is easier to hide behind books than it is to step out from behind them and enter into actual relationships, it's, by all means, not healthier.
But I still feel a little vacant. I know this vacancy cannot be filled by other humans. It must be filled by the Holy Spirit. Quite frankly the idea of that scares me a little. And the knowledge that that scares me, scares me. Why would I prefer to cling to the company of men (used in the general sense of the word) – broken, imperfect, fallen, bound-to-hurt-me men – than to cling to God and his holy, unconditional, whole, heals-my-wounds, perfect love? It makes no sense to me. Why am I so stubborn? Why can't I just accept what's best for and being offered to me instead of "knowing" that I am, and will always remain, the single exception to the promise that God's grace is offered freely to those who will receive it? It's true. I just know that it's true for everyone else but not me. It doesn't matter how many times I hear it or someone tries to drill it into me that Yes, indeed. It is true for even you, Christina. It just will not sink in to my thick skull. Or my thick heart. Whichever.
Part of me is constantly battling those feelings of entitlement. I want what others have and I feel I have a right to these things: relationships, possessions, feelings, deep spirituality, a seemingly easy life, to have it all together, etc… Through talks with my friend, and chaplain here at work because I am so blessed to have one, I am learning that if I want to give up my wrongs (attitudes, feelings, actions, etc…) then I have to surrender my rights. I have to live free of the idea that I am entitled to or deserve anything good that I have in this world. The truth is, I don't. And, like Bill reminded me, Christ didn't deserve the Cross. It wasn't fair. But he did it anyway. Bill explained it a lot better than I am doing here, in a way that led me to one of those moments where you sort of sit back, smile, and soak in the light and truth that has just been unveiled to you as though shrouded for years under some great, dark, dusty lies.
It's frustrating to struggle with the same thing over and over and over again. To know the truth and still live in and believe the lie. To see light but remain in the dark like there's a thick "pain" of glass preventing you from ever truly getting there. You begin to chip away at it and it seems like the more you do, the more the little shards stick in you, penetrating deeper, until you're bleeding out everywhere. And so you stop the chipping because your bleeding heart is driving people away. And you start to believe that you will never make it through that wall. If only Someone could come and just shatter that pain of glass all at once, then you would be okay. Only it doesn't really work like that. It has to be a process. Otherwise the shock and hurt of that sudden shattering would probably kill a person. More than shatter the pain, it would shatter the life right out of them too. And you thought just the sight of a little blood was messy.
Just a couple weeks ago I was in Dallas with about 15 of my coworkers and friends. We went down to our new facility to have a service in which we dedicated the company, its customers, employees, the building, everything to God and gave it over to him in prayer. We shared in worship and communion together, celebrating what God is doing. Bert, the owner, and Bill, the chaplain, shared a word with us. They were words that I had been hearing from nearly everyone since I have been home, if not longer. We are all characters playing a role in a larger story. We are all here for a purpose. We may not know what that is this side of life, but have no doubt. Your role in this is important. We could not do this without you. You are vital to this company, to this ministry, to this extraordinary church we operate without calling it a church. It is you. And the hairs on my arms raised and my heart skipped and the corners of my eyes got leaky. Oh how I wanted so desperately for that to be true of me. To be a part of something larger than me. Beyond anything that I could ever dream up or imagine. Is this what I have been preparing for these last 30 years? Has it all been leading up to this? Is it here that I will find my true calling and fulfill my life's purpose and imbibe immense satisfaction? And my questions have gone unanswered. Or maybe I am just not listening and hearing, not tuned to his voice. How I want to be tuned to my shepherd's voice so that when I no longer hear it, I know I have somehow strayed a little too far from the flock and know to stay and wait for him to come and bring me back. And so I wait.
Abba, I thank you for unknowns, for the times in my life when I cannot clearly see the path or where it is leading me. I know in the past those are the times that I have had to learn to lean into you, to trust you with everything in me, even though it was a little scary. It was in those times that you took my mustard seed faith and increased it and showed me things that are far beyond my wildest imagination, more than I could have ever fathomed would be possible. You have a proven history of blessing me so much more than I deserve in the times when I have fully trusted you with the unknowns of my life. May I continue to seek you with fervor and to entrust all my moments, known or unknown, into your big and more than capable hands. Lord, I believe. Only help me with my unbelief and forgive me for my doubt of you. Forever and ever Amen.
26 June 2007
the daily grind...
I have really missed blogging... seems like forever since I have even checked in with my friends' blogs.
So I have entered back into society and the daily grind again. While I have missed the paychecks, I have not missed the rush hour traffic that causes my blood pressure to elevate and my shoulders to tense almost immediately. I have been blessed with a wonderful job that God provided for me. I am starting out as the administrative assistant and event planner for a group of people at a Christian- owned and operated company that makes laminate parts like elevator panels, cabinet parts, etc... It's owned by a guy from my church here in Kansas and several of the employees also go to that church, including our full time chaplain. He prays for us and loves us and he does some counseling. On occasion the office staff gathers to share a meal together, to worship in song, pray, and do devotions. I have never worked at a place like this before. It pretty much rocks my socks off. I am currently kept busy with planning our annual company picnic and our monthly birthday bash. Quite fun actually. The company is also connected with a non-profit organization that trains, develops, and grows Christian entrepreneurs and their business ventures. I have a built-in opportunity to do ministry which is exactly what I wanted. It's such a blessing! I was very impressed when I interviewed there and after reading their vision and mission statements and guiding principles. Everything they do is above reproach and full of integrity, it's noticably different than our competitors.
I also interviewed at a nameless outpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation center a few weeks back. During the interview I was told by the interviewer that I was one of the top candidates. A couple days later I was informed that someone else was chosen. I was heartbroken. I really wanted that job: to be able to invest in peoples' lives in a way and to witness an improvement in their quality of life and be part of that difference, and it was in the field that I want to go into (counseling) and it would have been great experience, plus they have a counselor apprenticeship program (translation: they train you and pay for your education all the way through certification). Well, yesterday I received a voicemail from the interviewer. Apparently, the original person they chose had some things come up and is unable to work. He said that he would try to work around my full-time schedule to try to get me in there part-time.
God continues to provide for me, even when I continue to think that he's forsaken me. He truly is faithful! More to come soon... I hope.
So I have entered back into society and the daily grind again. While I have missed the paychecks, I have not missed the rush hour traffic that causes my blood pressure to elevate and my shoulders to tense almost immediately. I have been blessed with a wonderful job that God provided for me. I am starting out as the administrative assistant and event planner for a group of people at a Christian- owned and operated company that makes laminate parts like elevator panels, cabinet parts, etc... It's owned by a guy from my church here in Kansas and several of the employees also go to that church, including our full time chaplain. He prays for us and loves us and he does some counseling. On occasion the office staff gathers to share a meal together, to worship in song, pray, and do devotions. I have never worked at a place like this before. It pretty much rocks my socks off. I am currently kept busy with planning our annual company picnic and our monthly birthday bash. Quite fun actually. The company is also connected with a non-profit organization that trains, develops, and grows Christian entrepreneurs and their business ventures. I have a built-in opportunity to do ministry which is exactly what I wanted. It's such a blessing! I was very impressed when I interviewed there and after reading their vision and mission statements and guiding principles. Everything they do is above reproach and full of integrity, it's noticably different than our competitors.
I also interviewed at a nameless outpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation center a few weeks back. During the interview I was told by the interviewer that I was one of the top candidates. A couple days later I was informed that someone else was chosen. I was heartbroken. I really wanted that job: to be able to invest in peoples' lives in a way and to witness an improvement in their quality of life and be part of that difference, and it was in the field that I want to go into (counseling) and it would have been great experience, plus they have a counselor apprenticeship program (translation: they train you and pay for your education all the way through certification). Well, yesterday I received a voicemail from the interviewer. Apparently, the original person they chose had some things come up and is unable to work. He said that he would try to work around my full-time schedule to try to get me in there part-time.
God continues to provide for me, even when I continue to think that he's forsaken me. He truly is faithful! More to come soon... I hope.
25 May 2007
entitlement...
One of the things I have been struggling with lately is entitlement, feeling like I am entitled to things that others have or just that I am entitled to things period. For example, this year at graduation the valedictorian received a plaque and I caught myself thinking, I didn't get a plaque last year and I got a 4.0. He didn't even get a 4.0 and he got a plaque? Why didn't I get one? It's ugly and it's a part of me that I despise, like a cancer that I want cut out of me. I don't know why I feel this way, nor do I feel at all comfortable with it. And since I am being honest here, it's not really only a recent thing. It's been at the back of my mind and in the darkest caves of my heart for a while now.
I know that I am not entitled to anything, no one owes me anything. So why do I feel that way? And better yet, how do I stop feeling that way? Am I alone in this?
I feel as though I have had so many struggles and that I have endured about as many growing pains as I can take and I wonder to myself, What it would be like to just be normal? Normal like everyone else seems to be? It's not fair. And there I go with the entitlement thing again, like I am entitled to not struggle with things ever again. It's scary to me because to not struggle would be to stop growing and to stop growing, to me, is death or hell.
All of these things come up for me and they always leave me feeling unlovable, kind of like a monster. Now this, I know, is the devil's lies creating a stronghold in my life. Get thee away from me, Satan.
My dad has introduced me to a new method of prayer called centering prayer. It's communion with the Holy Spirit really. It makes prayer without ceasing come easier and being in the presence of God more constant and the fruits of the Spirit more evident and abundant. I have only tried it once and felt disappointed, like I did something wrong. But that was before I read about it instead of just following my dad's instruction. I am hoping that this form of prayer will cleanse me and that God's presence would be made real to me over time and that I will be freed from feelings of entitlement and feelings of being unlovable.
I have done a form of this type of prayer before, Lectio Divina, and have always enjoyed it and gotten much out of it. But I don't do it as often as I'd like. I don't pray as often as I'd like period. I am finding out that I am, in some ways, afraid of God and afraid of myself, of making a mistake while I pray. I have to do it just right, say just the right words, or God will ignore me, laugh at me, or strike me down or something. And if my mind wanders during prayer I think to myself, I must be a bad Christian. I can't even focus on praying without my mind wandering all over the place. Again, this, I know, is the devil's handiwork.
Satan cannot be present where God is present. I am really believing, present active participle believing, that God will continue to do a good work in me and that through these prayers I can come into a sweeter relationship with Christ. In some ways I worry that I have replaced a relationship with him with knowledge about him the last two years. I have learned so much in classes but have I learned too much? I am sure that it all isn't as bad as I make it out to be but it's a dangerous and risky thing to profess to be a Christian, to really knowing him, when really I know more about him than I know him personally. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else besides me, if anyone else is reading this, but I suppose the only one it really matters to is me. And God.
I have often felt, thought, and experienced that when I go through struggles like this it's usually right before God uses me or does a great work in me. There's so much more to this story than what I can currently see. Again, I wonder what sort of tale I have fallen into.
I know that I am not entitled to anything, no one owes me anything. So why do I feel that way? And better yet, how do I stop feeling that way? Am I alone in this?
I feel as though I have had so many struggles and that I have endured about as many growing pains as I can take and I wonder to myself, What it would be like to just be normal? Normal like everyone else seems to be? It's not fair. And there I go with the entitlement thing again, like I am entitled to not struggle with things ever again. It's scary to me because to not struggle would be to stop growing and to stop growing, to me, is death or hell.
All of these things come up for me and they always leave me feeling unlovable, kind of like a monster. Now this, I know, is the devil's lies creating a stronghold in my life. Get thee away from me, Satan.
My dad has introduced me to a new method of prayer called centering prayer. It's communion with the Holy Spirit really. It makes prayer without ceasing come easier and being in the presence of God more constant and the fruits of the Spirit more evident and abundant. I have only tried it once and felt disappointed, like I did something wrong. But that was before I read about it instead of just following my dad's instruction. I am hoping that this form of prayer will cleanse me and that God's presence would be made real to me over time and that I will be freed from feelings of entitlement and feelings of being unlovable.
I have done a form of this type of prayer before, Lectio Divina, and have always enjoyed it and gotten much out of it. But I don't do it as often as I'd like. I don't pray as often as I'd like period. I am finding out that I am, in some ways, afraid of God and afraid of myself, of making a mistake while I pray. I have to do it just right, say just the right words, or God will ignore me, laugh at me, or strike me down or something. And if my mind wanders during prayer I think to myself, I must be a bad Christian. I can't even focus on praying without my mind wandering all over the place. Again, this, I know, is the devil's handiwork.
Satan cannot be present where God is present. I am really believing, present active participle believing, that God will continue to do a good work in me and that through these prayers I can come into a sweeter relationship with Christ. In some ways I worry that I have replaced a relationship with him with knowledge about him the last two years. I have learned so much in classes but have I learned too much? I am sure that it all isn't as bad as I make it out to be but it's a dangerous and risky thing to profess to be a Christian, to really knowing him, when really I know more about him than I know him personally. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else besides me, if anyone else is reading this, but I suppose the only one it really matters to is me. And God.
I have often felt, thought, and experienced that when I go through struggles like this it's usually right before God uses me or does a great work in me. There's so much more to this story than what I can currently see. Again, I wonder what sort of tale I have fallen into.
20 May 2007
faith enough to jump...
I arrived in Kansas City for the summer on Friday afternoon after spending two years going to school in Alaska. I knew coming home would be hard and different and I had mixed emotions. When I left Kansas City in 2005 to go to Alaska, I had to meet new people, make new friends, encounter new experiences. I missed my friends from Kansas City. After two years I have grown used to life there, grown to love the people there, given birth to memories. I have also changed a lot inside the last two years - growing and stretching.
Now that I am home it seems like I have to do the same thing all over again. I don't feel "at home" where I am now. I feel as though there's not really a place I belong, there's not really a place for me to call "home" anymore. I am in limbo. I miss my friends from Alaska. I miss the mountains. I am also dealing with a lot too, spring cleaning for the soul, so to speak. God is revealing things to me that need healing. My self-image. My complete and perfect trust in God. My relationship with my dad. My relationship with myself. It's already been painful and difficult to be home and as more things surface, it will, most likely, only get worse. I am dealing also with some of my dad's pain and brokenness which in the past has always put me in an unhealthy place.
I am scared. I feel unsettled. I am out of my element. Broke. Unemployed. Immobile. Aching to have a family. I am plagued by dreams that I am being stalked... by celery. Facing thirty in less than a month with all kinds of shoulds in my mind and on my heart. Why do I always return there? I always come back to shoulding on myself, no matter how dangerous I know it is. I miss having solid, authentic, intentional relationships. I feel stuck somewhere between fear and hope. It's like I am standing at the top of a waterfall looking down. I am scared to jump but I also know that the sun is scorching and if I do let go and jump I could be refreshed and that at the bottom awaits beautiful new life to taste and see that it is good. But it's a long way down and the jump looks dangerous. Full of rocks and sharp edges ready to cut me. I know that if I push way out in front of me and trust the knowledge that others have been here and jumped and not only lived to tell about it but rejoiced in it as well for the blessings they received for doing so, I will make it and be greatly rewarded. If I could only have a little more faith.
I want to jump to the last page of this chapter to see how it ends. What are the things I will have learned about myself? About others? About God? What are the colors that describe this time? How does it end? Are the textures and details alluring? In what ways have I grown and stretched? Better yet, in the end, will I have had faith enough to jump?
Now that I am home it seems like I have to do the same thing all over again. I don't feel "at home" where I am now. I feel as though there's not really a place I belong, there's not really a place for me to call "home" anymore. I am in limbo. I miss my friends from Alaska. I miss the mountains. I am also dealing with a lot too, spring cleaning for the soul, so to speak. God is revealing things to me that need healing. My self-image. My complete and perfect trust in God. My relationship with my dad. My relationship with myself. It's already been painful and difficult to be home and as more things surface, it will, most likely, only get worse. I am dealing also with some of my dad's pain and brokenness which in the past has always put me in an unhealthy place.
I am scared. I feel unsettled. I am out of my element. Broke. Unemployed. Immobile. Aching to have a family. I am plagued by dreams that I am being stalked... by celery. Facing thirty in less than a month with all kinds of shoulds in my mind and on my heart. Why do I always return there? I always come back to shoulding on myself, no matter how dangerous I know it is. I miss having solid, authentic, intentional relationships. I feel stuck somewhere between fear and hope. It's like I am standing at the top of a waterfall looking down. I am scared to jump but I also know that the sun is scorching and if I do let go and jump I could be refreshed and that at the bottom awaits beautiful new life to taste and see that it is good. But it's a long way down and the jump looks dangerous. Full of rocks and sharp edges ready to cut me. I know that if I push way out in front of me and trust the knowledge that others have been here and jumped and not only lived to tell about it but rejoiced in it as well for the blessings they received for doing so, I will make it and be greatly rewarded. If I could only have a little more faith.
I want to jump to the last page of this chapter to see how it ends. What are the things I will have learned about myself? About others? About God? What are the colors that describe this time? How does it end? Are the textures and details alluring? In what ways have I grown and stretched? Better yet, in the end, will I have had faith enough to jump?
25 April 2007
stranger than fiction?
Recently I have set about writing my story with the help of Dan Allender, author, psychotherapist, and founder of Mars Hill Graduate School. He has written a book called To Be Told: Know Your Story, Shape Your Future that walks you through various exercises to help you remember the stories of your life and then write them down.
Anyway, as I was reading in the book that accompanies the workbook last night I was reminded of the movie Stranger Than Fiction. I saw it several weeks ago and it has quickly become one of my favorites. It stars Will Ferrell as Harold Crick. Harold is a boring, lonely, not-well-liked tax collector. Through the course of the story, he abandons the grinding drudgery of a life that he's been living, for one that is being written for him by an author that he cannot see but that he can hear. This new story that is being written for him is far more exciting than any he would have written for himself. He starts really living his life and not just existing anymore. At first he doesn't know how it will turn out, if he's in a comedy or a tragedy. But then he meets the author and reads the rest of his story. Even though he doesn't particularly like the ending, he trusts the author anyway and further gives up his life for the sake of the story.
It's such a good movie and I can relate to it on at least a couple levels. First, I used to live my life the same ol' boring way. And then I met this great Author, that I can't see but I can hear, and gave up my life to let him write a better story for me. Since I did that, life has just gotten so much richer. Life more abundant. Second, sometimes I feel I am in a comedy and other times I feel I must be in a tragedy. I don't know the ending but I know that for now my life is "stranger than fiction" because even on the days when I feel like a tragedy, the Author reminds me that he has a sense of humor and he always makes something beautiful out of pain, and then I feel like a comedy again. And I know that no matter what he writes, I trust him. I know he will write me into a story that is far beyond what I would ever have imagined for myself.
It's been really good getting into my life and digging around. Before I found the book I had told my dad that I wanted to remember more of my story and was thinking of writing it down. A couple days later I was at the Christian bookstore and the book seemed to lasso me and pull me right to it. It was perfect.
Anyway, as I was reading in the book that accompanies the workbook last night I was reminded of the movie Stranger Than Fiction. I saw it several weeks ago and it has quickly become one of my favorites. It stars Will Ferrell as Harold Crick. Harold is a boring, lonely, not-well-liked tax collector. Through the course of the story, he abandons the grinding drudgery of a life that he's been living, for one that is being written for him by an author that he cannot see but that he can hear. This new story that is being written for him is far more exciting than any he would have written for himself. He starts really living his life and not just existing anymore. At first he doesn't know how it will turn out, if he's in a comedy or a tragedy. But then he meets the author and reads the rest of his story. Even though he doesn't particularly like the ending, he trusts the author anyway and further gives up his life for the sake of the story.
It's such a good movie and I can relate to it on at least a couple levels. First, I used to live my life the same ol' boring way. And then I met this great Author, that I can't see but I can hear, and gave up my life to let him write a better story for me. Since I did that, life has just gotten so much richer. Life more abundant. Second, sometimes I feel I am in a comedy and other times I feel I must be in a tragedy. I don't know the ending but I know that for now my life is "stranger than fiction" because even on the days when I feel like a tragedy, the Author reminds me that he has a sense of humor and he always makes something beautiful out of pain, and then I feel like a comedy again. And I know that no matter what he writes, I trust him. I know he will write me into a story that is far beyond what I would ever have imagined for myself.
It's been really good getting into my life and digging around. Before I found the book I had told my dad that I wanted to remember more of my story and was thinking of writing it down. A couple days later I was at the Christian bookstore and the book seemed to lasso me and pull me right to it. It was perfect.
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