Well, hello there.
Wow.
What a crazy few months it has been since I last posted. My life has changed. I have changed. My days have changed. All for the better, for certain.
First, I'm gainfully employed again. Hallelujah! I started as a contractor 3 months ago at a marketing agency (here out referred to as The Agency) and 2 days ago went permanent with them. I'm blessed! It's a fantastic place to work and I work with some pretty fantastic people!
Second, 2 other girls and I used to meet weekly to pray and talk and generally do life together. In April, 1/3 of us moved. And not just moved, but MOVED! Like, to Japan moved! And in a week, another 1/3 of us is moving to Oklahoma. And I'll be here. In Kansas. Alone. Without my girlfriends. No, really, I'm happy for them. Couldn't be happier for them really. But I'm just sad for me. I'll miss them. I already miss them immensely. I have Rebecca- and Stephanie- shaped holes in my heart.
Third, my dad has been diagnosed with polymyositis. It's basically an auto-immune disease in which the immune system attacks his muscles. It's painful and awful. It seems to be progressing rather rapidly. He has a muscle biopsy coming up that will tell us a lot more about his prognosis.
Fourth, I've been asked by a friend I met in Alaska, who has become like a little brother in some ways, to write a synopsis of his music for his band's coming Myspace page. I feel honored and blown away and humbled all at the same time. I should be getting advance copies of some of his music next week or sometime soon to start this process. Talk about flattering!
This is all just a small fraction of my world lately. Figured I'd update this thing since it's been so neglected for so long. Hope to start getting back into the regular swing of things here on yasha.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
22 July 2010
20 August 2009
a little of each: past, present, future
So much has taken place since my last post. The biggest, and perhaps most important, is that come January I am moving back to Alaska, the place I fell in love with when I lived there previously from 2005-2007. It was actually right about this time 4 years ago that I first decided to pack up and move to Alaska to attend Alaska Christian College. You can read the progression of that story here, here, and here. Many will tell you that I came alive during my time there. My dad says that I became more myself. It really did transform me, which, I suppose, is one reason I'm returning. It's a missionary position for which I am required to fundraise all of my own support for the duration of my career there: $17400/year or $1450/month. I have moments (most of the time) when I am fully trusting this process to the Most High, boasting in my weakness so that his power will be made perfect. I have other (occasional) moments when doubt grips me and I am afraid. It's a process, one that will undoubtedly teach me much about faith, about God, about others on this journey with me, and about myself. I can't wait!
Also since my last post, I have parted ways with a woman that I have been friends with for 17 years now. We met sophomore year of high school (Fall semester 1992) in choir. She sat behind me and played with my hair and as someone whose primary love language is touch, I let her. We were fairly inseparable over the next several years. We made declarations that we would be each others' maid of honor, would always be best friends and nothing could separate us. In fall of 1998 we were roommates at KU and my personal reasons for being there were probably all the wrong reasons. I desperately wanted out of my father's house and saw college as a seemingly suitable way out, even though I couldn't pay for it. In the not even 8 weeks I was there, I attended class maybe 3-4 times. I slept. I partied. I ate. I managed to get a job at a hotel as front desk help. Personal tragedy struck early that semester and I found myself in literal shock in the ER. My "best friend" abandoned me when I needed her most because of something I wrote about her out of anger and frustration in a letter to my sister but never sent and she had found wadded up IN my trash can. I left KU feeling more alone and scared than I ever had in my entire life. She and I didn't speak for more than 2 years until she'd heard from a mutual friend of ours that my mother had passed away several months before that, and she called to say she was sorry for my loss. I was reluctant to let her back in because the pain of her turning her back on me was so profound and so irrevocable. But I chose to try to look past it. I forgave her and we tried to build our friendship again from there. But I never forgot that hurt, that wound and I think I had my guard up with her ever since, never able to fully trust her though I really wanted to. Sadly, from that point on, it seemed to be a repeated pattern: in my deepest times of need, my darkest hours, she was unavailable. She once told me, "I have enough problems of my own, I can't deal with yours right now" and that though she loved me she couldn't be my friend at that time. I remember the very next day I saw her at church and she acted like nothing had happened, as if she hadn't said any of it. I remember talking with a friend at that time (in early 2005) about wanting to end the friendship. But at the time, my way of dealing with conflict was to avoid it at all costs. I never mentioned it. I think I was so hungry for friendship, for connection, that I put up with it. Or I didn't think I was worth standing up for myself and told myself that's normal, it's what I deserve and nothing better. I was in a very unhealthy place at the time and I say that because I know I made mistakes too. I wanted to end it but I also couldn't reconcile that with "Love keeps no record of wrongs" so I said nothing and stayed. But I still couldn't help but notice that this was her pattern. She also once told me that she was/is the most selfish person I would ever meet. Over time, I really began to see and experience those words come to life and with a new clarity. I think those words that she spoke became a lens through which I viewed almost all of our interactions thereafter. I felt the friendship was over long before it actually ended and I believe I grieved it a long time ago (I would say 2005 or 2006 probably). Something happened about a year ago in our friendship that I believe was the "straw that broke the camel's back" - at least for me. I won't get into details but will say that I found myself deeply, deeply hurt by her again and we didn't speak for a few months. During that time, I began to discuss our friendship with trusted Christian friends and mentors and was advised to end it. More than one said it was an abusive relationship and I needed to get out. And over 4th of July weekend this year something else came up that ultimately led to my ending our friendship. I had prayed about it and talked with people for months and truly felt peace with the decision and once it was done I was relieved, as though a weight had been lifted and I was free to invest in other healthier, life-giving friendships. That I was so at peace and relieved with this said a lot to me, it told me that this was indeed the right thing. And I firmly believe that.
That process has taught me so much about friendships, about myself, God, and even my mother. Growing up with an abusive father, I remember at times wishing my mother would just leave him. I prayed for it, wished for it on stars and on birthday candles. It never happened and though I am eternally thankful now, at the time I was angry, hurt and confused at different times, and other times I was all of those things combined. Her commitment to stay had a lasting effect on me that only in the last month or so have I come to notice in my own life. I've had a series of semi-abusive relationships over the years, never physical abuse (aside from my father) which I have always thought to be easier to deal with. It's the emotional / mental abuse that leaves scars that don't heal and later may flare up and cause problems. I learned from my mother to stay, that it was okay and normal to be mistreated. I learned to put up with it and to avoid. I learned to stay when everything in me was telling me to leave.
I feel I need to make clear at this point that I love both of my parents deeply and feel no ill feelings toward either of them for the past. I have ALWAYS loved both of them and, like I said earlier, am grateful now that they stayed together and were more in love with each other in the months leading up to my mom's passing than I had ever seen before. They did the best they knew to do and did a fantastic job of it at that. My dad has grown and transformed so much under the Refiner's fire. He has always been a gentle, tender-hearted, loving man and now he shows it daily. I am proud of him and know that it is not my praise that matters. I know our Heavenly Father is proud of him too and that it is only by his grace that my daddy is who he is today. With that said, I know there will continue to be things that come up from my past that God will bring to the surface in my present relationships. I know this and welcome this as part of the journey back to Eden, part of the restoration of the glory I was originally intended to bestow, and the reconciliation to my Creator.
Needless to say, there have been some big things happening in me and through me. To hash them all out here would take an eternity but I would say that I've covered the biggest parts. The last 2-3 months I have discovered things in me that I didn't know were there, or more likely, I didn't know how to use. I can't put into words how it feels to stand up for myself, to draw a boundary line and say, "I will no longer let you treat me this way. I will no longer let anyone treat me this way!" It feels good. Tonight I am thankful that God calls me to come with him, not to stay where I am, stuck and frustrated. I choose to go: free and open to the journey.
Also since my last post, I have parted ways with a woman that I have been friends with for 17 years now. We met sophomore year of high school (Fall semester 1992) in choir. She sat behind me and played with my hair and as someone whose primary love language is touch, I let her. We were fairly inseparable over the next several years. We made declarations that we would be each others' maid of honor, would always be best friends and nothing could separate us. In fall of 1998 we were roommates at KU and my personal reasons for being there were probably all the wrong reasons. I desperately wanted out of my father's house and saw college as a seemingly suitable way out, even though I couldn't pay for it. In the not even 8 weeks I was there, I attended class maybe 3-4 times. I slept. I partied. I ate. I managed to get a job at a hotel as front desk help. Personal tragedy struck early that semester and I found myself in literal shock in the ER. My "best friend" abandoned me when I needed her most because of something I wrote about her out of anger and frustration in a letter to my sister but never sent and she had found wadded up IN my trash can. I left KU feeling more alone and scared than I ever had in my entire life. She and I didn't speak for more than 2 years until she'd heard from a mutual friend of ours that my mother had passed away several months before that, and she called to say she was sorry for my loss. I was reluctant to let her back in because the pain of her turning her back on me was so profound and so irrevocable. But I chose to try to look past it. I forgave her and we tried to build our friendship again from there. But I never forgot that hurt, that wound and I think I had my guard up with her ever since, never able to fully trust her though I really wanted to. Sadly, from that point on, it seemed to be a repeated pattern: in my deepest times of need, my darkest hours, she was unavailable. She once told me, "I have enough problems of my own, I can't deal with yours right now" and that though she loved me she couldn't be my friend at that time. I remember the very next day I saw her at church and she acted like nothing had happened, as if she hadn't said any of it. I remember talking with a friend at that time (in early 2005) about wanting to end the friendship. But at the time, my way of dealing with conflict was to avoid it at all costs. I never mentioned it. I think I was so hungry for friendship, for connection, that I put up with it. Or I didn't think I was worth standing up for myself and told myself that's normal, it's what I deserve and nothing better. I was in a very unhealthy place at the time and I say that because I know I made mistakes too. I wanted to end it but I also couldn't reconcile that with "Love keeps no record of wrongs" so I said nothing and stayed. But I still couldn't help but notice that this was her pattern. She also once told me that she was/is the most selfish person I would ever meet. Over time, I really began to see and experience those words come to life and with a new clarity. I think those words that she spoke became a lens through which I viewed almost all of our interactions thereafter. I felt the friendship was over long before it actually ended and I believe I grieved it a long time ago (I would say 2005 or 2006 probably). Something happened about a year ago in our friendship that I believe was the "straw that broke the camel's back" - at least for me. I won't get into details but will say that I found myself deeply, deeply hurt by her again and we didn't speak for a few months. During that time, I began to discuss our friendship with trusted Christian friends and mentors and was advised to end it. More than one said it was an abusive relationship and I needed to get out. And over 4th of July weekend this year something else came up that ultimately led to my ending our friendship. I had prayed about it and talked with people for months and truly felt peace with the decision and once it was done I was relieved, as though a weight had been lifted and I was free to invest in other healthier, life-giving friendships. That I was so at peace and relieved with this said a lot to me, it told me that this was indeed the right thing. And I firmly believe that.
That process has taught me so much about friendships, about myself, God, and even my mother. Growing up with an abusive father, I remember at times wishing my mother would just leave him. I prayed for it, wished for it on stars and on birthday candles. It never happened and though I am eternally thankful now, at the time I was angry, hurt and confused at different times, and other times I was all of those things combined. Her commitment to stay had a lasting effect on me that only in the last month or so have I come to notice in my own life. I've had a series of semi-abusive relationships over the years, never physical abuse (aside from my father) which I have always thought to be easier to deal with. It's the emotional / mental abuse that leaves scars that don't heal and later may flare up and cause problems. I learned from my mother to stay, that it was okay and normal to be mistreated. I learned to put up with it and to avoid. I learned to stay when everything in me was telling me to leave.
I feel I need to make clear at this point that I love both of my parents deeply and feel no ill feelings toward either of them for the past. I have ALWAYS loved both of them and, like I said earlier, am grateful now that they stayed together and were more in love with each other in the months leading up to my mom's passing than I had ever seen before. They did the best they knew to do and did a fantastic job of it at that. My dad has grown and transformed so much under the Refiner's fire. He has always been a gentle, tender-hearted, loving man and now he shows it daily. I am proud of him and know that it is not my praise that matters. I know our Heavenly Father is proud of him too and that it is only by his grace that my daddy is who he is today. With that said, I know there will continue to be things that come up from my past that God will bring to the surface in my present relationships. I know this and welcome this as part of the journey back to Eden, part of the restoration of the glory I was originally intended to bestow, and the reconciliation to my Creator.
Needless to say, there have been some big things happening in me and through me. To hash them all out here would take an eternity but I would say that I've covered the biggest parts. The last 2-3 months I have discovered things in me that I didn't know were there, or more likely, I didn't know how to use. I can't put into words how it feels to stand up for myself, to draw a boundary line and say, "I will no longer let you treat me this way. I will no longer let anyone treat me this way!" It feels good. Tonight I am thankful that God calls me to come with him, not to stay where I am, stuck and frustrated. I choose to go: free and open to the journey.
26 June 2007
the daily grind...
I have really missed blogging... seems like forever since I have even checked in with my friends' blogs.
So I have entered back into society and the daily grind again. While I have missed the paychecks, I have not missed the rush hour traffic that causes my blood pressure to elevate and my shoulders to tense almost immediately. I have been blessed with a wonderful job that God provided for me. I am starting out as the administrative assistant and event planner for a group of people at a Christian- owned and operated company that makes laminate parts like elevator panels, cabinet parts, etc... It's owned by a guy from my church here in Kansas and several of the employees also go to that church, including our full time chaplain. He prays for us and loves us and he does some counseling. On occasion the office staff gathers to share a meal together, to worship in song, pray, and do devotions. I have never worked at a place like this before. It pretty much rocks my socks off. I am currently kept busy with planning our annual company picnic and our monthly birthday bash. Quite fun actually. The company is also connected with a non-profit organization that trains, develops, and grows Christian entrepreneurs and their business ventures. I have a built-in opportunity to do ministry which is exactly what I wanted. It's such a blessing! I was very impressed when I interviewed there and after reading their vision and mission statements and guiding principles. Everything they do is above reproach and full of integrity, it's noticably different than our competitors.
I also interviewed at a nameless outpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation center a few weeks back. During the interview I was told by the interviewer that I was one of the top candidates. A couple days later I was informed that someone else was chosen. I was heartbroken. I really wanted that job: to be able to invest in peoples' lives in a way and to witness an improvement in their quality of life and be part of that difference, and it was in the field that I want to go into (counseling) and it would have been great experience, plus they have a counselor apprenticeship program (translation: they train you and pay for your education all the way through certification). Well, yesterday I received a voicemail from the interviewer. Apparently, the original person they chose had some things come up and is unable to work. He said that he would try to work around my full-time schedule to try to get me in there part-time.
God continues to provide for me, even when I continue to think that he's forsaken me. He truly is faithful! More to come soon... I hope.
So I have entered back into society and the daily grind again. While I have missed the paychecks, I have not missed the rush hour traffic that causes my blood pressure to elevate and my shoulders to tense almost immediately. I have been blessed with a wonderful job that God provided for me. I am starting out as the administrative assistant and event planner for a group of people at a Christian- owned and operated company that makes laminate parts like elevator panels, cabinet parts, etc... It's owned by a guy from my church here in Kansas and several of the employees also go to that church, including our full time chaplain. He prays for us and loves us and he does some counseling. On occasion the office staff gathers to share a meal together, to worship in song, pray, and do devotions. I have never worked at a place like this before. It pretty much rocks my socks off. I am currently kept busy with planning our annual company picnic and our monthly birthday bash. Quite fun actually. The company is also connected with a non-profit organization that trains, develops, and grows Christian entrepreneurs and their business ventures. I have a built-in opportunity to do ministry which is exactly what I wanted. It's such a blessing! I was very impressed when I interviewed there and after reading their vision and mission statements and guiding principles. Everything they do is above reproach and full of integrity, it's noticably different than our competitors.
I also interviewed at a nameless outpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation center a few weeks back. During the interview I was told by the interviewer that I was one of the top candidates. A couple days later I was informed that someone else was chosen. I was heartbroken. I really wanted that job: to be able to invest in peoples' lives in a way and to witness an improvement in their quality of life and be part of that difference, and it was in the field that I want to go into (counseling) and it would have been great experience, plus they have a counselor apprenticeship program (translation: they train you and pay for your education all the way through certification). Well, yesterday I received a voicemail from the interviewer. Apparently, the original person they chose had some things come up and is unable to work. He said that he would try to work around my full-time schedule to try to get me in there part-time.
God continues to provide for me, even when I continue to think that he's forsaken me. He truly is faithful! More to come soon... I hope.
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