It's been hard for me to update because I feel like there's just so much for me to cover: process of moving to Alaska, things I'm learning, a study I'm doing, and other aspects of life. All of it has been so good but overwhelming too.
Process: I've sent out support-raising letters to friends and family via email and to churches I think might be interested via snail-mail. I've gotten little response and it makes me uncomfortable. One friend this morning told me that he'd help me by giving toward moving expenses and I was thankful for that. And another friend (from Alaska) emailed last week and said she wants to support me as well. I continually have this mantra playing through my head like a scrolling screensaver: While I might repeatedly find myself in over my own head, I am never in over God's! He is going to provide. I have days when I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, but the other moments, the ones in which the shadow of doubt seemingly overtakes the light, the truth, seem to be coming at smaller intervals lately. I don't want that. I want to be growing in faith, not away from it. I suppose I have thought that I would be farther along in my fund-raising by this point though. Was that foolish of me to have thought that? Perhaps. It's only been a little over a month since I received the offer. But I feel this looming deadline and it makes me start to twitch with anxiety.
Things I'm learning: With all that said, however, I am doing a study at church with other women. It's a Beth Moore study entitled Believing God: Experiencing a Fresh Explosion of Faith. It's all pretty timely if you ask me. It's about how we are to present active participle believe that he is who he says he is, he can do what he says he can do, I am who God says I am, I can do all things through Christ, and God's word is living and active in me. We are to actively believe him. Not just believe in him, but believe him, what he says and what he does. This led me to the thought that I so often call myself a "believer" but really when I label myself that am I really actively believing him in that moment. More often that not, no. I believe in him and I think that's where most of us go wrong. We interpret being a believer as believing in him, and fail at the true meaning: Believe-er, one who actively believes something, the verb form of the word. So I am learning to present active participle believe him in my move, my future as a missionary in Alaska. It seems that it is just so much easier to believe the enemy when he tells me that I'm fooling myself, that I am not worthy of this calling, that money won't come in, that people will mock me for my efforts only to fail in the end, and who do I think I am anyway thinking that God would use me? This is HARD! Living this faith is hard, but I am resting in the knowledge that it will indeed be so worth it in the end.
Other aspects of life: My friend Lisa (from Alaska, the one I mentioned above that said she'd support me monthly) said in the same email that she's horrible at long-distance friendships but that I am "so worth being friends with." That was pretty timely too to be completely honest. I have felt like a failure the last few months in the area of friendships. I have seen the end of two friendships since June, one of which was very significant, the other not as much but still. A third friendship feels like it's on the edge of the cliff waiting for a stiff breeze. I started a small group last fall with the hopes that I would forge some wonderful friendships with some amazing women and we would eventually be really close. I stated in the beginning that I wanted a commitment from them, to remain together for the duration, to truly do life together. That group fell apart in early spring this year. It's no one's fault. People just had to go their different ways. Who was I to try to demand a life-long commitment from them? Things change, lives change, people move, etc ... After the demise of that small group, I emailed the "connect" director at my church to be placed in a new one and that I was also willing to lead a one-on-one mentoring group. I was promised that they would get back with me very soon. That never happened. I have just let the creep in lately that since so many attempts have failed, it must mean there is something wrong with me. A couple of weeks ago my pastor taught on intimacy and immunity and technology. I was hit hard by the idea that I sometimes use technology (Facebook, my blog ... ) as a means to replace real intimacy that's lacking in my life. I use those avenues to gain approval or affirmation instead of actively building into people and giving of myself in true relationships. It was at that point that I decided to join the women's study on Believing God to try to open myself up to others for true intimacy. I think it will be good but also a stretch for me. A stretch because I have a disdain for surface talk. I want to cut out all the surfacey "What do you do? Where do you live?" crap and get to the nitty gritty of things. This might actually be why I feel myself lacking in the friendship department. People ask me something on the surface level and I shut down for some reason. I am sure it shows on my face too because I'm told so often that I don't hide my emotions very well. So I'm sure the asker gets "put off" and any possibility of a future friendship forming is ruined. So again, I'm left thinking that there must be something wrong with me, when they choose to direct their safe questions to someone else that they interpret as a little more "safe." I just want to be real, cut the crap. Let's get to it.
Another thing I have been thinking about is the cynicism that harbors inside of me. I loathe chick flicks (the boy meets girl and fall in love after 3 dates movies). I can't stand them. And it's more than just a level of understanding that it's fairy tale. It's much more than that, much deeper. I can enjoy them at some level right up to the point where the boy and girl get back together at the end and it's presumed that they live happily ever after while the credits roll. But once I can see they are getting to that point I feel myself harden. I actually sense a shift inside. I can't explain it really. And when the guy and girl DON'T get back together in the end, I want to dance with glee on my way out! Take 500 Days of Summer for instance (SPOILER AHEAD!). Great movie all the way through I thought. I love those quirky kinds of movies. Loved the music, loved the actors, and actually loved the story. And what made it even better, for me, is that they don't end up together. She marries someone else. And I was ecstatic. It just makes me wonder why that is, why I feel that way. Am I dooming myself? Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts? I don't know. But I think it's much more serious than just a knowledge that it's not real. It's like I'm afraid to let myself be happy or hopeful. It worries me. I heard a week or so ago - and now I can't for the life of me remember where - that "Every woman has the exact love life that she wants." It left me thinking, Could that really be true? I do believe that I sometimes hide from love (as a self-defense mechanism) to avoid the potential hurt but I still want a love life. I want someone to choose me as I am now, not as the me that I could be. I agree that on some level the statement is true. After all, if we want something bad enough we will create space for it in our lives and rearrange goals to achieve/attain it. But I struggle with the statement too and can't subscribe 100% to the idea. At least not yet. Will keep chewing on that one.
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